If They Only Knew | A MUST-READ for All Hobbyists

If They Only Knew!…

I’ve been a GFE Provider for some time now. I have about 10 pages of reviews on TER, with an average rating of Appearance 10, Perferomance 9. The lowest appearance rating I've ever had was a 9. The lowest performance rating is an 8 (and I've only had 3 8's out of the entire 10 pages) . I travel through an agency, usually 2 to 3 times a month. So, keep in mind, that some of these things (that have to do with the hotel, etc.) only apply to touring girls. I have never left a client unhappy…. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for how the clients leave ME feeling.

I was on a trip recently, and a 2 hour appointment was a no-call, no-show… leaving me with some time to think about things. All I could think about was “God, I wish these guys knew what was going on in my mind during these calls… Or I at least wish they had read some sort of list of Do’s and Don’ts before they came!” …

I really got to thinking… How could I let these guys KNOW how TERRIBLE they are??? Let them know how to FIX themselves to make the experience less terrible for me? I’m not talking about facially challenged, or over-weight guys… That’s not a problem for me! I’m talking about the guys that are too rough, or too smelly, or too pushy, or too careless, or too disrespectful, or too wrapped up in making ME cum.

If you can’t keep the girl comfortable, it’s going to be difficult for her to be as open and enthusiastic as you’d like her to be. So PLEASE, even if you think you’re a GOD in bed, and you make every provider you see cum 3 times, READ THIS!… Because chances are, your perception of yourself is NOTHING like the perception the girl has of you… We’re just way too polite, and too obligated to keep you happy, to be able to say anything about it.

So, here it is. Honest and to the point. The actual things that go on in my mind… Not a sugar-coated version to keep you thinking that you ARE good in bed. Because the truth is, you’re not any good at all. Yes, even YOU…The guy who’s reading this and thinking “Wow, that poor girl! She’s seen so many nasty guys! If only she had seen me! I’d make her cum 5 times!”… I am ESPECIALLY talking to YOU.

A list of things I WISH you knew before you walked into my hotel room….

~My clit is hooded for a reason. Stay ON TOP of the hood! NO lifting or pulling or moving!!!

When Attempting Clitoral Penetration, Stay Within the Circled Region

~If you’re poking or prodding “under the hood” of my clit, chances are it’s not my clit at all. You’re probably rubbing and shoving on my urethra- Which feels very similar to having a catheter put in. If you’ve had a catheter, you know how pleasant the feeling is.

~My privates are more delicate than a tulip. Don’t scrub me like a dirty kitchen floor. The softer the better… I’d say about 100 times as soft as you think it should be will do.

The Female Body NOT The Female Body

~Don’t believe ANY rumors you may have heard… I don’t want any of your body parts in or around my asshole. It is NOT enjoyable, and it does NOT enhance ANYTHING.

~Remember how bad it hurt when your older brother would give you titty twisters as a kid? Keep in mind that our nipples are about a million times as sensitive as yours are… And please!!!… Our breasts are so sensitive, and bruise very easily. Don’t treat them like stress-relief balls.

OUCH!!!!!

~If you’re longer than 6 inches, sex with my legs above my head will be painful for me. It’s not a bottomless pit. It may also be painful from behind.

~I don’t particularly want your tongue anywhere on me. ESPECIALLY not on my neck, down my throat, in my ear, or ANYWHERE on my freshly made-up face. Just stop ALL the licking. It’s gross.

~When I’m pushing your head away, and squirming backwards… It’s not because I LIKE what you’re doing.

~You’re probably the 5^th or 6^th guy I’ve screwed that day- I’m SORE, and NOTHING you do to me is going to feel good… Unless it’s a back rub.

~No, I don’t like that.

~No, I’m not going to cum.

~No, I don’t want to mount you upside-down and backwards.

~…But surprisingly, Yes! I DO want you to cum all over my (fill in the blank). Just get it over with already.

~You really want to know how you can please me? Get on top of me, finish really fast, give me a big tip, and leave 40 minutes before your time is up. Wow, that would be amazing.

~Stop asking me what I want- Unless you’re prepared to hear something similar to the previous statement.

~I don’t want to have an orgasm from you, I don’t want you to go down on me, and I don’t give a flying fuck about your “performance”. It’s MY job to please YOU. Let me do my fucking job.

~I usually begin working before the hotel maids are on the floor, therefore it’s VERY difficult for me to attain towels. They’re like a delicacy. You using 2 of my towels and a wash cloth, for no apparent reason, is like me using 2 $50 filet mignon steaks to wipe my ass.

These… Equal THIS

~I work all day. I don’t have time to go anywhere- Not even to the store to replenish my supply of rubbers. And they cost MONEY. I don’t appreciate you carelessly removing and replacing them 6 times in one session.

~If you’re in her condom drawer, and see some choices- Don’t choose the Magnum unless you truly are Extra Large. Condoms are hard to come by with our busy schedules, and chances are we only have a few Magnums. If you’re not extra large, but prefer the Magnums for comfort reasons, bring your own.

THESE…. …Aren’t for THESE

~I don’t have an extra set of bed sheets handy, so PLEASE refrain from secreting or wiping your bodily fluids onto the ones that are there.

~If you have an hour… Don’t wait until 59 and a half minutes to cum, and expect to be able to take a 10 minute shower, and all the lovely time you need to get dressed. One hour means OUT THE DOOR in an HOUR.

~We only have 15, at the most 30 minutes between appointments… Sometimes, we have NO time. It’s BARELY enough time to hop in the shower, dry off, fix my hair, fix my make-up, put all my clothes on, make the bed, clean up any mess you left, etc… Please don’t be late, and PLEASE don’t overstay your time.

~I will NOT be upset if you finish early, and decide to leave before your time is up. TRUST ME. Maybe I’ll have some time to run down the hall and steal some towels from the maid’s cart!!

~The majority of escort agencies take 40-50% of what the girl makes per hour.

~I work for tips!!! You like what I did? Well, show me with a little extra gift! You expect a little extra from me? Well, then I expect a little something extra too.

~It’s not an “all you can eat” buffet. I don’t HAVE to allow 2+ cups. Yes, a good provider (like myself) will allow multiple cups- But a good provider also deserves a good tip.

~All women (even escorts!) love gifts. Chocolate, flowers, sexy lingerie (a girl’s measurements will usually be posted on her page), yummy smelling candles, or even a Pocket Rocket! She’ll be much more enthusiastic about wanting to make you feel nice.

~Bring wine! Or beer, or champagne, or Kahlua, or some fruity mixed drink… And don’t forget the opener! It will be romantic, and it does a good job of breaking the ice, and helping out any nervous tension on both sides…. And she’ll be more willing to let it loose!

~Don’t try to negotiate fees. You get what you pay for. So if you don’t have all the dough, I suggest you find a girl at the truck stop.

~Double check your gift for her… If you end up shorting her, she’ll remember forever, and she won’t hesitate to tell her agency, or her “friends” who will keep that in mind when getting a call from you.

~Your cleanliness is a huge issue. If you’ve come to our hotel on your lunch break, use my shower. If you haven’t showered in the past hour, use my shower.

~If you’ve gone to bathroom, even ONCE, since your last shower, you need to shower AGAIN. Little drops of urine spray and splatter onto your balls and the surrounding area, and the smell is NOT a pleasant one. I don’t even want to get into the way it smells after you’ve done a #2. Let’s just say, it’s very easy to tell when you haven’t washed since you did it… Especially when you spread your legs a little for me to fit between them during a BJ. Wash WELL, with LOTS of soap… and get between ALL the cracks and crevices.

Use This..... Or THIS!!!

~Do YOU want to go down on a big bushy stinky mess of a mountain, and get hair stuck in your teeth? Well, NEWS FLASH guys!!!!- Neither do I!

Please Don’t Make Me Put My Face Near That.

~If you smoke, and she doesn’t- Don’t smoke right before you’re with her! Or please, shower, brush your teeth, chew a mint, and scrub the shit out of your hands after a cigarette. If she doesn’t want a cigarette in her mouth, chances are, she doesn’t want your smoke scented saliva and hands in her delicate areas.

~Our EXTREME delicacy makes us very prone to infection down there… So be extra diligent with your cleanliness before you get near that area.

~You aren’t my boyfriend/husband… I’m not in love with you- Therefore, I do NOT want to cuddle. You sweaty, smelly old man.

~I’m an awesome GFE- But don’t let that confuse you into thinking that I actually like you. I don’t want your phone number, or email address. I will never fuck you for free. And if I wanted to meet up without the middle man, I’d be an independent.

~Something that ALL providers and hobbyists should know:

You can contract HIV from going down on someone without protection. There is a lesser chance- but there is STILL a chance. Not to mention, all the other STD's there are floating around.

If you wouldn’t screw

her without a rubber, don’t go down on her. And don’t get upset if she

wants you to cover up during a BJ. It just means that she’s informed, and

keeping herself safe.

~Don’t ever try to hand my gift directly to me… And NEVER say the words “sex” or “blowjob”, or talk about fees before we actually do it- You fucking cop.

~Don’t bring large bags with you. They make us suspicious and uncomfortable. Cops bring large bags… and so do perverts with hidden video cameras.

~We are HUMAN!!!! We get sick, tired, hungry, sore, and worn out! We have feelings! We aren’t sex machines… Don’t hold it against us.

~Be thankful for our existence. How else would you get laid by a gorgeous woman with no strings attached?!

You’re Welcome.

Reading comprehension not up to par? Having some trouble getting my point? Mistaking my humorous, dry sarcasm for angry bitterness?

Let me try to put things into a different perspective:

You’re starving. Craving your favorite dish from the fancy restaurant downtown… Top-rated by every food critic in the area… Most only have the luxury of dining there if it’s a very special occasion. You need to call ahead of time to make your reservation. You know that if you don’t, you’re going to have to wait, or maybe you won’t get to dine at all… because many others crave the same food from the same fancy restaurant downtown. Yea, it’s a bit on the pricey side, but you’re far from frugal, and boy is it worth it.

POP QUIZ

1. It’s an hour before your reservation time. You’ve been at work all day. What a long day. You haven’t had a shower since morning time, and you feel a bit sweaty….

Do you:

A.) Shower

B.) Try to hide the scent with cologne

C.) Play some rugby, drive there in your non air conditioned car, and hope that no one will notice

2. The restaurant’s décor is quite elegant. Many have said that it’s the most dazzling place they’ve ever eaten. You know that everyone will be dressed nicely, looking their best….

Do you:

A.) Shave, put on a nice outfit, and at least attempt to make yourself appear comely, and smell nice.

B.) Arrive unkempt, and un-clean. Not caring about how you present yourself in such a sublime atmosphere

3. You know that this restaurant is always very busy… And that they depend on your punctuality to keep things in order for the evening. They regret to inform you that they are so popular, that if you are more than 10-15 minutes late, they may possibly have to give your table away….

Do you:

A.) Make sure to be ready on time, and leave a bit early in case there’s traffic…and if for some reason, you end up running a few minutes late, you call to notify the hostess.

B.) You carelessly watch the end of the football game, and leave your house 15 minutes late, catch some traffic, and arrive at your destination about 35 minutes after your reservation… Then complain and throw a hissy fit when they regrettably inform you that they have given your table away… And try to demand a free dinner for tomorrow evening… Even though you were already told of what would happen if you were more than 10-15 minutes late.

4. You sit down at your table… Prime location. Intricately designed surroundings… Clean, classy atmosphere. Your server arrives at your table. She asks you what you would like to order.

Do you:

A.) Place your order, or ask if she has any suggestions.

B.) Tell her that you want to order 5 entrees, and tell her that she needs to bring them to you on a golden platter, while doing cart-wheels, and singing show-tunes. If she doesn’t, you’ll write terrible things about her and the restaurant on the local restaurant review board.

C. )Take her apron and pen, sit her down at the table, and ask what SHE would like to order.

5. Your entrée has arrived. It smells delightfully amorous, and the presentation is absolutely exquisite.

Do you:

A.) Take a bite, enjoy the taste… Chew… Swallow… Use your utensils properly, and consume your meal in a mannerly fashion.

B.) Stare at it, and wait for the food to magically fly up into your mouth on it’s own. When you realize it might not do that, you pick up your fork and take a single bite. Then ask your server for a new fork. You take another bite, ask for another fork. You continue this for the duration of the meal.

C.) Slam your face into the plate and gnaw on the contents, while viciously growling… Then stab the food repeatedly with your fork and fling it around before finally shoveling it, barbarically, down your throat.

6. You’re all done now. It was excellent. Your server was more attentive than expected, and brought you everything you needed without delay. An all around pleasurable evening.

Do you:

A.) Leave your server a tip.

B.) Ask your server to comp a few items off your check, and give you a discount… Because, Hey- You thought you were a pretty pleasurable customer.

C.) Figure she already made some money tonight, and leave no tip. Then ask her for her phone number.

Take a look at your answers. If you’ve answered anything other than choice “A” on any of the questions… It’s probably time that you re-think going to the fancy restaurant downtown. You should either learn some proper dining etiquette, and common courtesy… Or stop going there all together… Retire from the fancy restaurant downtown, and maybe try going to the pub in the projects.

Sincerely,

Fancy Restaurant Downtown