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Please. Ladies and gentlemen. Let us not stray from the wise words of Clarence Thomas:

Granted, us fan girls aren't really out for an education, or at least, it's not our primary aim. We just want to write nice stories and get pretty reviews, correct? I think that seems fair. There's nothing wrong with nice stories, nothing wrong with pretty reviews. The ends justify the means, so forth and so on. However, like communism, nice stories and pretty reviews don't exactly work when put into practice. Instead, bitterness and immaturity run rampant upon the pages of fanfiction.net, and if you'll allow me to shamelessly pilfer lingo from the thirties...pettiness is the name of the game, my friend, the naaaame of the game. Why is this? It's because there are a lot of authors out there who can't manage to be gracious, a lot of authors who can't take criticism well, a lot of authors who generally cause a lot of chaos simply because something is phrased harshly. Hence, I give to you this admonitory, albeit brief, section.

Constructive Criticism and Flames, the difference betwixt
Review Battles
Review Whores
Taking it

This section has always been a little iffy for me. Apparently I can get kind of harsh while doling out the criticism...as if that was something that you guys were unaware of. I'll try to be considerate, but...no promises. I'm heartless.

Constructive Criticism and Flames, the difference betwixt.
I'd like to, if I may, quote something that is written in every review box that appears on your monitor when you review something on fanfiction.net.

This means that it's okay to admit there were some aspects of said story that didn't agree with you. What is not okay is letting loose a stream of cuss words and insults while damning the story to hell or other such foul places. Let's backtrack and overanalyze, shall we?

I find that when it comes to fanfiction, the easiest way to create a bad story is to let yourself go completely, because then you start doing things that might indeed please you, but don't please your readers. Mary Sues are the first things that come to mind. Rearranging time and space to make ends meet in your plot comes to mind. By God, Dumbledore/Hagrid comes to mind. You let your emotions and imagination take you away until you're no longer thinking of your readers, and only of yourself. My next question:

How is this different from flaming?

Believe me, I'm not a stranger to the intense anger that fills you when you read something truly awful. I've read many things that are truly awful, and the first thing I want to do is coolly tell the author that her concept sucks and she should either rewrite it or join some kind of convent and never touch a pen and paper again. But I restrain myself, and leave a message that commends her dedication to writing before I make as many helpful suggestions as I can. Restraint, is the name of the game in this case. By letting yourself go and proceeding to tell the author that she can fornicate herself with the bloody remains of the plot she has mangled is very bad form indeed, and completely unhelpful. When someone receives a review like that, the last thing they want to do is improve themselves, they want to beat you over the head with something sharp and pointy. Or at least satisfying blunt and solid.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if Germany naively came up with some foul trade proposal, and instead of politely refusing, France just started bombing them? Or what if the Russian Czar decided that every building in his nation should be painted some bright cheerful color and Tony Blair called him an asshat? Complete chaos! Although I admit that President Bush is bringing us frighteningly close to that standard, it's still a ridiculous concept. Why is it that we do it?

Constructive criticism is a valuable, valuable tool. If the story strongly disagrees with you, politely explain why, offer your email address if you are unregistered, and be prepared to explain every last one of your objections, because it's very well likely that you may be interrogated by a tearful fan girl (more on that later.) Hopefully, if the author is mature enough to understand that you're trying to help, she will make an effort to improve. If not, she's a damn liar, and you should take your interests elsewhere.

Flamers, please try to control yourselves. All that you are doing is betraying an immature, uncouth side of yourself that is not remotely amusing to anyone. Christ, get a grip.

Review Battles
Okay. So you're a flamer. And you leave a big nasty review on someone's story that tells them to do a multitude of nasty things to themselves and that their story is the biggest bitch you've ever had the misfortune to read. But you find, suddenly, that you're in for more than you've bargained for. It turns out that this author has friends on fanfiction.net, who proceed to leave a review on the same story that exists only to tell you to do a multitude of nasty things to yourself and that you're just jealous of said friend's superb writing ability. So, of course, the only thing left to do is leave another review denouncing both the author and the friend in a cunning message full of wit and stinging turn-of-phrase.

Sweet Jesus, there's nothing more annoying.

Look, reviews and for reviewing. Not reviewing something that another reviewer has said, but the story. And if you're not leaving a review on the story, don't leave it. If what the flamer said is so incredibly horrible you have to somehow reply, email them. If they leave no email, talk to your friend about it, and you can have fun denouncing said flamer together. And also, never underestimate the author. I'm sure that in most cases, she can take care of herself.

Review Whores
What? It's not okay to beg and beg and beg and beg and beg my readers for reviews? It's not okay to offer them cookies or whipped cream or money? It's not okay to cajole and bully and threaten? No no no no NO it is NOT!

Every time I get to the end of a chapter and I see yet another author's note that is not dedicated to the story as much as it is dedicated to countless, puerile pleas to "clicky that li'l purple button!!!!1", I can already feel my insides boiling with a helpless, biting rage that will soon consume me if this continues. Tell me something. When you hand an assignment into a teacher, do you hang around her desk going "Pleeeeease, pleeeaaaaase, pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaase mark it with that red pen! Give me a mark! Go on! Give me a mark! I won't do any other assignments if you don't give me a mark!" Of course not! And if you do, I'm hella glad that you're not in one of my classes, for I'd be forced long ago to do away with you by various, nasty means. It's just not polite, not to mention it's too much inner child than we want to know about. Whiny, begging, obstinate inner child.

If you're truly concerned about the feedback from your readers, you should be truly concerned about the quality of your story. How about putting more time into that instead of plotting up various ways to get more of that wonderful, wonderful feedback? I'm not saying that it's bad form to ask your readers to review once or twice. I know when I'm uncertain about a chapter I've written I never miss a chance to ask for feedback just in case there's any way I can improve. However, when you start threatening to withhold chapters until you reach X number of reviews...

No.

Just no.

Inconceivable.

And as for the lot of you that go around and open up random stories and leave one review saying "Good job REVIEWMEREVIEWME REEEVIEEEWWW MEEEE!" you can burn in the deepest circle of hell.

Taking It
Alright, you've heard me denounce the flamers and the whores, now it's time for me to address you. The authors.

Unless you're a pirate, there's a time in your life when you will receive a bad review. Not necessarily a flame, but perhaps some criticism. I'd like to take this time to emphasize this: Don't freak out when you receive constructive criticism. It's not a bad thing, in fact, it's a beautiful, beautiful thing. The author disagrees with your story, but instead of ridiculing you, she's helping you. There aren't many people out there who do that, and it's no surprise when you see some of the gratification that these people get in return. Flame = criticism, yet not all criticism = flames. Thank the reviewer, defend the choices that she/he has criticized. And if you're open minded enough to see where they're coming from, take a look at your story once more through someone else's eyes. Perhaps they're right.

As for flames, I still haven't hit upon the perfect method of dealing with them. Many authors have many methods, but I think the worst thing you can do is leave a reply in the heat of the moment. Wait a few minutes, see if she or he is hitting upon any point in the flame, and if she or he is, reply to that. Defend your reasons calmly, tell them that they're free to reply when they get a grip on themselves, and continue on as you see fit. A few things I want to clear up:

Don't ever use "you're just flaming me because you're jealous of my writing" line. It's not true. No one flames anyone because they're jealous. They praise if they're jealous. Those that don't are few and far between. This will only make them laugh, and flame you again.

Don't use the "don't like, don't read" line, because all that means is "don't like, don't review", seeing as you can't possibly know what you'll like before you read it. It's like a nerf ball. It just softly bounces off the flamer without causing any sort of harm, only mirth.

Don't be stupid. Don't call the flamer a dyke, a ho, a fag, a nigger, a cracker, anything derogatory. Whilst flamers are certainly being unreasonable, it's even more unreasonable to retort with something biased. Even if you are biased. Keep it on the down low.

Don't tell them that they don't know what they're talking about. Most flamers do indeed know what they are talking about, and that's why they're flaming. Make sure to differenciate between opinion and fact. If it's a fact that Harry Potter is dating Cho Chang, and you deliberately left her out of your fic which upset the flamer, then they do know what they're talking about. They're talking about where the hell is Cho Chang? However, if you imply that Harry Potter dating Cho Chang was the best thing that ever happened in the books and they tell you that Cho Chang is an ugly ho with her head up her ass, that's opinion, and it's nothing to get worked up about. If the flame is unreasonable, it speaks for itself.