Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time to get subjective. Doing a critique on plot is dangerous ground to tread upon, considering how well a plot is received deals mostly with opinion. Since I'm a lover of twisty type action and angsty sex, chances are that a peacefully romantic plot line isn't going to do that much for me. And damn it's going to be difficult for yours truly not to trash those romantic plot lines in the following.

Although we may not all agree on what makes a plot good, the good majority of us agree on what makes a plot well written. And, I think it's entirely safe for me to say that the good majority of us agree on the fact that fanfiction.net is not well known for harboring well written plots. Honestly, some of the more meaningful things I've read have been one-shots that set up huge premises and tear them down in the run of a five page story. It seems that everyone these days is afraid of coming up with a plot that they actually want to devote a lot of their time to, and stretch out. To me, that's one of the greatest joys in life, considering I'm suffering from the suspense of a story I write as much as I want my readers to. See? I'm even sharing emotional shit with you guys now. I think I have a drinking problem as well.

The stuff that's not as subjective.
Basics
Building / Planning
Cliff hangers / Suspense
Continuity

The stuff that is subjective, but should be read anyway.
Template Plots
La Charme
Song Fics

Forward, brave knight and/or gentle lady. Forward, I say!

Of course nothing is completely anti-subjective. Bias is like car salesmen or certain genital diseases when you take into consideration the fact that neither ever really seem to leave. However, this is the stuff that the good majority of us agree on, or at least the good majority of us that are still somewhat within the boundaries of sanity and good taste.

Basics
I have no literary approved chart or list of what the "experts" say, but let's face it. Experts aren't reading fanfiction. And this is my critique. And, in conclusion, what I can tell you is that I have never read any story that I've enjoyed where the climax is at the beginning, or the build-up begins in the middle and gradually simmers down into a simple introduction. Why not? It aggravates people. It's just not fun to read through half a book and not know what's going on until you reach the introduction in the last couple of pages. It's like having a conversation and concealing your name till the end. It's not the way things are done. Most people realize this, but I'm adding this section to beef things up a little.

Here's a simplified version of what your story should have, in this order. Obviously.
Introduction - Exactly what it sounds like. You introduce your characters. You introduce your setting. You break a bottle of wine over your plots ass and bid it happy sailing.
Build-up - Oh boy, guys, this is when things are happening. The conflict in your plot is beginning to come into play, and the reader starts getting interested. This is where you can start introducing sub-plots, which are nice to have running at the same time.
Climax - Again, exactly what it sounds like. The conflict reaches an astoundingly earth-shaking point where it seems like all is lost, and things can't possibly go farther than they have already gone. This is the most exciting part in your story, unless your build-up contained some kinky sex scenes involving pirates. Then fuck the climax.
Aftermath - Things are calming down. You tie up any loose ends that the reader can't manage to tie up themselves, tidy up, and voila! You have a plot!

It's really quite simple. Strangely enough, it's kinda like what happens in real life most of the time, isn't it? Who would have thunk it, right?

Keep in mind that the build-up should be the longest part in your story, along with the introduction. An example to introduce to you is a story that is penned by a friend and myself, "Bloodflame." We were so eager to start getting intense with the story, that the climax began in chapter four and…continued till chapter twenty six. Now, if you're talking sexual intercourse, this is a good thing; never ever ever leave your significant other. Unfortunately, we're talking about fiction, and this is not a good thing. The result we ended up with was tons of mini plots happening within one huge climax, and the fact that our readers aren't as easily shocked as they were in the beginning. To remedy this, we've had to rely on many tactics we wouldn't have thought up in the first place, like gratuitous gore and fake deaths.

This is one of the easiest ways to mess up the simple structure. Some authors feel like there has to be something happening all the time. Do you ever wonder why action movies are so bad? It's because things are always exploding or backfiring or two knuckleheads are going at it with each other. There's no time to breathe, and not only that, desensitization sinks in, and you wouldn't be surprised if the guy sitting next to you decided to blow the other ones brains out with a high powered semi-automatic weapon. It's the same thing in fiction. Huge events have more impact when they have been built up to properly, and are preferably a good distance away from one another.

Planning / Building
This isn't so much a critique as a tactic that I want to share with those cows who bang off fics in five minutes and expect good results. It's called planning.

The intensity of this varies from author to author. I've seen interviews with well-known authors who have every tiny detail of their plot mapped out, just waiting to be put into words. And I've read about authors who have a vague idea they want to stick to, scenes they want to write, and an imagination that bleeds light out their ears. Either tactic is acceptable, and depends largely on the style of the author.

However, here's an interesting tactic that J.K. Rowling uses, that I find very effective. Count every character in your story, find a small notebook, and write out their life stories. You don’t have to go into ridiculous detail, but include any friends your character makes, any enemies, any relatives, anything that may be relevant to your story. That way you have not only a good guide to your own characters, but a goldmine of references and cross references that can make a story more interesting. Ever wonder how Rowling pulls off those amazing coincidences?

Some authors are into timelines as well. Huge banners that cover their walls filled with dates and character names. The include everything that is relevant to the story and the most accurate time it happened, so they never have to worry about flipping through a thousand page novel trying to find that date that they think they mentioned somewhere in that chapter if only they could find it in their notes…For a post-apocalyptic Newsies fanfic I am writing, I have notebooks filled with lists of events, dates, significance, and biases, along with notes on the relevance of these events, and how deeply it affects which character, if at all.

Some authors like having carefully constructed plot webs, or character webs. They write down their character names and draw lines connecting them, or they have events lined up and connected in the same fashion. These I personally can't stand, but whatever floats your boat. They help to organize your thoughts, not to mention timeline of events, and give you something to refer back to if you can't decide where to go with the next chapter. This can also help with foreshadowing, if you want to add that in.

Diagrams and timelines and such are not completely necessary, but they're tactics that you may want to try out some time. If you don't have a complex, multi-plotted fiction on your hands, it's simple to write out a bare timeline and make notes. But for those who find themselves struggling, trying to remember what's happening, what's happened, and what will soon happen; you suckers are stuck with character webs. Lose.

I admit it. It's really fun to start out with a few characters, an interesting conflict, and let it go from there. It really is. I do it all the time. But if you do plan on doing this, keep this in mind: Your ending rarely turns out the way you thought it was, and sometimes, you may need to go back and change certain events. Do readers enjoy this? Not really. It's not fun opening up a chapter and seeing an authors note that tells you chapter five and six were re-written, and that you had better read them all over again if you want to make sense of this new bit at all. What works a lot better with this sort of venture, is if you write the story out and post nothing, and then once your finished, you go back, change what you need to change, and then start putting it up for the world to see. It's a lot less stressful, it eliminates the "hot off teh press!!!!1" chapters, and all you really need to do is sit back and enjoy the reaction to it.

However, if you plan on doing otherwise and posting your fic chapter by chapter, I'm going to take my cue from the first line of this section and stress the importance of planning:

Again, it all ties in with being dedicated to your fanfiction. Anyone can bang of chapters in thirty seconds, anyone. And sometimes, their tons better than some of the sugar-high crap I've read. But it takes someone with dedication and an imagination to sit down, think, plan, and write a good story.

Cliff hangers / Suspense
I'll make this as simple as I can. If you're going to do cliff hangers: Don't make them stupid.

You'd think it'd be something easy to do, but 'tis not so. Good cliff hangers are not gratuitous. They are not thrown in at the last minute to rouse a little excitement in your readers. They are meant to be used as hooks to keep people interested, but if you use them too much, they begin to lose their edge, and soon, no one even cares any more.

Good cliff hangers also have to be well written. Let's face it, if you want to pull one off, you have to do it with style. As a stupid analogy: Take vampires. They would be funny if they ran around screaming and flailing their arms (see Modern Vampires, directed by Richard Elfman.) But they're scary when they're sophisticated and seductive. It's the same with cliff hangers…except for the seductive part.

Here's an example of a bad cliff hanger:

This is annoying, juvenile, and all in all, written in the style of a bad horror movie. However, this is an example of a good cliff hanger, taken from "Brooklyn: Mortals" by Queen Kez the Wicked.

It's not a huge explosion or a murderer on the loose or someone backed into a corner by a car insurance salesman. It's a very simple case of a girl worrying about her boyfriend. But the characters and story are written so well, and in such a believable way, that it's scary. Not to mention fraught with suspense. And the worst part is that she isn't updating any more. And it's driving me insane!

I advise you read "Brooklyn: One Rainy Day", the first part to "Brooklyn: Mortals." It's an example of a good plot, good characterization, and amazing cliff hangers, all in one. Not to mention, it's Newsies fanfiction, which gives it an automatic plus.

Continuity
How many readers out there have watched movies with continuity errors that make you want to scream? You know. Stupid things that should be picked up long before the movie is premiered. Like suitcases and shoes that change color between shots, or whether the hair is behind your ears or around your face. There are people whose job it is to make sure that no continuity errors are made. Unfortunately, you don't have those resources, and you have to pick up continuity errors all on your own.

If you're really, really, really, really overzealous, you can make charts of everything. From the characters hair color to whether their room has carpet or hardwood. But noting every single detail in your story can be time consuming and quite pointless, so I find the best way to avoid stupid errors is to describe settings and characters as vividly as you can, whether in the story or in your own mind.

For example: My friend and I are midway through writing a rather hefty fic, and we always have trouble with continuity errors, simply because we haven't put much work into settings and descriptions. The dorm room in which our two characters live, for example, changes constantly in my mind. The only thing truly consistent about it is that it's messy. This leads to really awkward situations, if I want to describe the room, but can't remember what it's like, or whether I'll end up contradicting previous descriptions I can't remember writing. This is annoying. Avoid this at all costs.

I have a notebook in which I do character studies. Study after study after study, sometimes five or six on one character. Lately, I've started drawing out settings and possessions too, just so I always have a really quick mental image to refer to. If I'm unsure of something, I have to double check it before I can continue writing. Sometimes, I end up reading the whole story all the way through just to get my facts straight.

Small continuity errors are forgivable. But big ones aren't. Take care with your descriptions and character histories. Make sure the shirt your character stole from her love interest doesn't smell like laundry softener one day, and cologne the next. Make sure your character isn't stomping the same cigarette out twice in one scene. Otherwise, your fic will end up something like <a href="http://www.somethingawful.com/download.php?file=movies/sa/doom%20house%202000.wmv">this</a>.

I can't help it.. There are just some things about plots today that irk me so bad, I feel as though I have to climb atop some building and scream it to the world. These are the things I am not happy with. These are the things that make me want my ten minutes back. This is the stuff which nightmares are made of! I don't know how many people share my opinions with me, but I'd like you to take them into consideration, as they are fairly reasonable. Cue the rant.

Template Plots
Have you ever spent a few hours on fanfiction.net, cruising around some of your favorite fandoms and reading through a few fics, only to find that you've really just been reading the same plot premise over and over and over? Let me give you an example.

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The Day we messed up the POTC script
[New title, New chapter. Tale three!] What happens when my best friend, Corie, makes an odd object to send us through time to see...Well...Jack! Just read and find out. Don't forget to review!
PG-13 - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5461 - Reviews: 5 - Updated: 5-30-04 - Published: 5-23-04

One Wish
Sarah is an 18 year old girl in the present, longing for adventure and meaning in her life. What will happen when she is wisked out of time and reality, into the plot of POTC? And what will she do if she falls for Jack AND Will? CHAPTER 21 UP
PG-13 - English - Action/Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 29416 - Reviews: 153 - Updated: 5-30-04 - Published: 10-16-03

Fire Walled
Megan gets mysteriously transported to a strange place and finds herself in the hands of pirates! But who? Jack...Ahem. Captain Jack Sparrow. Prepare yourself for a swashbuckling tale, full of adventure, treasure, and just a bit of romance.
PG - English - Action/Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 25659 - Reviews: 22 - Updated: 5-29-04 - Published: 12-20-03

Teenagers of the Caribbean
We always wished we could see the Caribbean during it's pirate days, and meet Cap'n Jack. Was this very smart? I'm under no obligation to answer any of this. R&R please!
PG-13 - English - Action/Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 844 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 5-28-04 - Published: 5-28-04

Trip through Time
Author insert fic. Two girls get landed in the middle of Pirates and work their way from there.
PG-13 - English - Drama/Action/Adventure - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3309 - Reviews: 14 - Updated: 1-23-04 - Published: 12-6-03

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Time travel, ladies and gentlemen, is brilliant when it's done right. However, it's never done right, except perhaps in one or two cases, which have long since been abandoned or laid to rest.

Time travel, to me, isn't just a walk in the park. It's not as easy as hitting your head and finding yourself on Captain Jack Sparrow’s boat. Or falling asleep and waking up in Dorian Gray's arms. Consider time: No one knows what it's made of, it cannot be slowed or stopped, it cannot be sped up. It's an incomprehensible force that has mystified generations. Seeing pictures from the twenties or documents from the middle ages can make some people dizzy. So please don't tell me that your character is fine with waking up a few centuries prior to their own suburban, middle class lifestyle.

There are two marvelous books by Jack Finney called "Time and Again" and "From Time to Time." that deal with time travel in the most realistic way I have ever read of. They speak of it not as a physical process, but a completely mental process. The theory is that if you can convince yourself you're living in the date you're experimenting with, and you're in a place that is virtually untouched by time, you should be able to cross over the barriers and find yourself living there.

This is an incredibly awesome premise. But what makes the story even better is his reaction to stepping into another century: He's completely astounded. He is so astounded, that he doubles over with the pain of being shot back into a different time, and the stunning reality of it all. He goes ecstatic when he's on a tram car, and realizes that the man sitting across from him is a real person with dreams, feelings, ideas, and memories. He simply cannot believe that he has come to exist in another century.

Compare that to this:

I don't think I need to bring this to some sort of conclusion. The above paragraph speaks monumentally for itself.

Some other tired template plots and plot devices?

WARNING! If your female character has been/is a prostitute, you’re a tired plot device. If your female character was/is abused (sexually or otherwise) by any male member of the family (brother, cousin, father, uncle, husband) or a past lover, you’re a tired plot device. If your character has a tragic past that he/she is running from, you’re a tired plot device. If your character is part of a gang that is never mentioned until their needed in some sort of situation, you’re a tired plot device. If your character is running from the authorities because she/he is TeH bAdAzZ, you’re a tired plot device. And the beat goes on.

Again, I’m not saying that these things should not be used in stories. I’m just saying that when authors throw them in to spice up a plot line simply because said device is tried and true, it fails to impress me. If the device is important to your characters personality, if it’s logical, and if it has an impact on the characters day to day countenance, by all means, paint the town red. But if it is not, and you’re looking for a way to win over the sympathy of your readers or your character's wuv interest...please. Skip the tragic pasts.

Here’s another thing that I feel is a proverbial untapped goldmine. Check this shit out.

Real life.

I know it’s startling, but it’s genuinely how I feel and, as far as I can see, true. I’m going to prove my point by considering the generation of today. Desensitized. This is something that we all kinda know. I mean, come on, you know something is wrong with humanity where an anvil is dropped on a cartoon coyote and we laugh. You know something’s wrong when Fox makes a killing by airing the WB superstar. Hell, you know something’s wrong when Fox makes a killing. And this is, ladies and gentlemen, double proved by that scene in Starsky and Hutch. It would have been bad enough if it had just been a pony instead of cocaine. But to get some kind of point driven home with the audiences of today, Hollywood had to go and make it so they shot the pony. That one hit home.

Where am I going with this? Patience, my friends, patience.

I think it’s safe to blame the media. Hell, they take the blame for everything, so I might as well jump on the bandwagon. Every time you open a newspaper, pass a radio, turn on the TV, or go to a movie, you’re pounded full of either blood and guts or drama and soap opera relationships. The clothes are getting skimpier. The cars are getting bigger. The breasts are fuller and rounder than ever before.

So where do we go from here?

Allow me to bring into play: Napoleon Dynamite. This is a brilliant movie all because of it’s inane awkwardness and simplicity. There are no high speed chases, no dramatic relationships, and (thank god) no cliched buzz lines in the dialogue. And anything that might even be construed as hollywoodish is read in such a monotone, it's almost painful to watch.

However, this movie is endearing just because of that. When there is a film dealing with subject matter of one's every day life, it enchants people. It really does. It draws them into a world that their familiar with, and once that's done, you can exaggerate details and add in funny situations that make it a fun movie to watch instead of just a documentary on life.

So why is it that people don't do this with fiction?

Honestly, sometimes I don't care how well a battle scene is written, and sometimes I don't care how much description goes into a car chase. The point is that the majority of fanfiction writers are teenage girls, and if you can show me a good chunk of them that go to war and get involved in lengthy car chase and melodramatic scenes that come right out of soap operas, I will freaking shake. Your. Hand.

My advice to you is: start with the basics. Think up something that happens to everybody, and build on that. And don't feel you have to stick to pure real life once you have a basis, add in some ridiculous situations simply for fun, and reaction. That's the part that makes it identifiable to your readers, and also an interesting read.

Song Fics
It is with great pleasure that I admit here that I, yes I, know true the feeling of immense joy when you realize that one of your favorite songs fits absolutely perfectly almost uncoincidentally into a certain situation of your favorite character, or a situation you plan to write your favorite character into. It's just a really awesome feeling, isn't it? You feel almost like you have a connection to your character, to the song, perhaps even to the band that wrote it. Why not?

Song fics. That's why not.

Before you get all het up, allow me to explain. The original idea of song fics was a brilliant one. The same way the idea of playing popular songs during romantic scenes in movies is. It allows you to connect with your readers on a level that they aren't expecting, and if they know the song, it's a million times better. You can listen to the song and relive that moments of your characters all over again. However...

If you are going to write a song fic, make sure that it fits your characters as opposed to you changing the characters to fit it. I can think of one example, where Hermione falls in love with Draco, he rejects her, and she starts singing some edgy Evanescence in the "Hogwarts Talent Show" to get her feelings out.

For one...since when has Hermione ever sung? For two...since when would Hermione ever admit that she loved Draco? For three, there is no Hogwarts talent show. And for four, I can't picture Hermione letting out her feelings by sharing them with the entire school. She is an intelligent, sensible girl, not a rip roaring teenage rock star on the edge.

Make sure that it's well timed and appropriate. For instance, I was reading a fic called "Harry Ptter, The Musicle". Don't ask me what a Musicle is, I'm guessing a cross between a muse and popsicle. Regardless, it was written out in a very serious tone. Until Dumbledore gets up at the feast and starts singing "Where is the Love?" by the Black Eyed Peas. I think the image of Dumbledore rapping speaks for itself. Monumentally.

Last but not least, please, please, please, for the love of God, make sure that it is a fic instead of a few lines interspersed between verses. Anyone can write out a few sentences, and anyone can look up the lyrics to the song of the day and insert the lines at random intervals. Suddenly, your fic is not a fic. It's a sentence. Or two. At the most.

Go ahead. Write songfics. Write only songfics. Write songfics till they're coming out your bloody ears. But please don't succumb to the temptation of just describing your character and their situation in between verses. Please don't make it just a study in angst. Let's have conflict, let's have the climax, let's have the resolution, let's have something.

As a closing word, some of the best songfics I've ever read were some that didn't even put the lyrics into the chapters. They were just fics inspired by songs. -Mr. Bean- And I think that's marvelous.

Voila! When it is all said and done, I have even MORE innumerable rants to be spilled out upon these unwitting pages. Forsooth! Time to move onto the style section.