Odds and Ends

Alright, so you致e decided to take my words to heart and start anew, despite my obscene hypocrisy and ramblings. Congratulations. There are only a few more things that need to be cleared up before I can continue on, and these aren't quite as weighty as the last three sections, nay, they deal with mere trifles compared to the meat that is your story. But, as long as I can get my sense of humor back after the angst that I've been writing for the past three weeks, I can guarantee a good read.

But I know you're all going to anyway.

However, to lessen my horrible, horrible guilt, I'm going to make it the last section. In fact, I'm going to make it the last section and write the title in blatant red. How d'you like them apples?

OTP
Character Hate
Authors Notes/Shout outs
Injuries
Slash for the sake of slash
Pedophilia and Rape
Erotica and Porn, The difference betwixt
A few pointers on sex scenes

These are all subjective. Every last one. But I'm always right, so you might as well read them.

OTP
For those of you less net-versed, OTP means "One True Pairing". Keep in mind that, in any genre, there is no universal OTP, they are completely to each author's own. And some owns are pretty strange.

Now there's nothing wrong with a strange pairing that you like. If you're into Dumbledore/McGonagall...fine. You have no idea how much it's costing me to say that, but...fine. That's just...that's just fine.

However...a lot of people seem to think that their OTP is superbly brilliant and so amazingly right, it shouldn't hurt just to change the characters a weensy bit so that they fit into this dazzling mold. WRONG, ladies and gentlemen, WRONG. I swear to God, if I read another fic about how Harry is so incredibly attracted to Draco because of his soft, sensitive side, I will be forced to take out my anger on someone's head.

Not only do some authors see fit to change certain characters in order to make their OTP work...they change the boundaries of space and time. Take the example below: Snape is explaining his unique condition to a young Hermione.

Just no.

The reasons I'm so vehemently opposed to this explanation are quite obvious. If he's only seventeen, how could he have been around in the seventies? What is a glamour charm, why does it make him ugly, and why do I get the idea that the author is just making it up? What on earth could possibly time warp him to get a full education in "about a week"? After seven years of casting a glamour charm every morning, why did he forget on that particular morning? And why, in God's name, does he speak like a valley girl?

Maybe screwing around with the concept of time travel in order to OTP to your hearts content is a little okay...but not this. Make sure that your story makes sense. That I can't emphasize enough as well. Sense. Sense. SENSE.

One more thing, before you disregard me and flounce off to write your stories, take this into consideration...does the story NEED a pairing? Most authors these days become carried away with romance and angst, and seem to think that, no matter what the story, there should be some sort of couple involved that wub each odder. Not true. Not true at all. Even though love is a huge, huge theme, there are other themes out there in sore need of some attention. For serious, if I ever come across some kind of Napoleon/Snowball slash, I'm going to go down in history as the only girl who intentionally choked on her own vomit.

Honest. I will.

Character Hate
We fan girls are not really rational creatures at all, are we? Our emotions tend to take us to the extremes. If we love something, you had better fucking watch out, because we love it. We'd die for it. We'd dump our significant others for it. We'd change our entire wardrobe for it. We don't make our friends watch it, we just recite the script to them, because we know it off by heart.

Thusly, you can see how it might be frightening to get in our way, when it comes to the objects of our affections. And this doesn't just include the mundane things like homework, school time, part time jobs, clubs, etc etc...apparently, it also applies to characters in the very movie we love.

Take Harry Potter, for instance. Go to Google and type in "I hate Cho Chang".

Kinda sucks, doesn't it?

It's one thing to dislike a character in a movie or a book. In fact, it's good if you dislike a character in a movie or book, because it shows that the author has added variety by making some of his characters not-so-likeable. Ms. Minchin in the classic "Little Princess" is entirely unlikeable. And yet...

What did Cho Chang ever do?

The only conclusion I can come up with is jealousy. And this is jealousy taken to the extreme. I've read stories about Cho Chang that people have left reviews for stating that the story is horrible simply because of her presence. That's nuts. A story shouldn't be judged on the subject it is written on, it should be judged upon what it makes of the character it is written on. If someone reveals with plenty of proof that Cho Chang is a nasty, conniving, evil thing, then that's fine. If someone makes her out to be a saint, that's fine.

If someone makes her stupid, horrible things with no apparent reason, that's not fine. That's just a bitter, immature attempt at some sort of payback. What can you possibly gain from stuff like this?

Not to mention the reviews that the above piece of mastery received:

Hating a character? Healthy. Bitching about said character to friends? Healthy. Boycotting stories, leaving nasty reviews, and writing insipid pieces of character-bashing? Not so healthy. Please.

Authors Notes/Shout outs
Have you ever watched a movie in which the action is proceeding nicely, the dialogue isn't too bad, and the imagery is super awesome, and your having a wonderful time until suddenly the film comes scraping to a stop and the director appears and starts explaining what's happening on screen?

I sure haven't. And I don't see why I should have to. And therefore...I don't see why authors do it.

I admit that while we are writing fanfiction, some authors notes are unavoidable. People enjoy being informed about the rating of the chapter, whether it's alternate universe or not, where it takes place in the series/book/movie, etc etc. People don't enjoy explanations inserted into the flow of dialogue. Why someone would even think that up in the first place just boggles the mind.

Your story should read well enough so that the text explains itself, as opposed to lengthy notes in brackets explaining the text. If you have to correct some kind of error, maybe you should do it in your story as opposed to in the middle of a sentence. And please, if you're going to put notes into the text, at least make them relevant. The last thing I need is to be right smack dab in the middle of so-and-so's adventure only to find I'm reading [[AN: I thougt that dis part wuz FuNnY!!!!! LOL]]

As for shout outs, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. When someone leaves a gushing review on your story, you almost feel guilty just ignoring them. Shout outs are a nice, simple way of letting them know you're thankful and answering some questions that they may have about the story. However, keep in mind that shout outs should not become chat transcripts. A small paragraph should be enough to clear up what you need to clear up...a page of exclamation marks and anime faces is far too much. When your shout out list becomes longer than the chapter you've written, you've gone too far.

Unless your one of those crazies that receives 200+ reviews per chapter.

The hell is up with that?

Injuries
This section was included at the last minute, after reading through a fic called "Bloody Marks." Here's a line that I found most memorable.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Because I'm thinking long cut that's probably over a few inches, let's get this girl to the hospital so she can get some stitches. All I can think is waterfalls of blood pouring down her face and over her chin and making a real horrible mess of the whole thing. But no, not really. In fact...it's almost as though the cut ceases to exist after it's first written about.

In the two or three years that I've been reading through fanfiction, I have been shot full of phrases like "the blade slid across her smooth stomach" or "she cut a long line open on her arm", or maybe "he drew jagged lines up and down his friend's chest with the knife." This is not like a punch to the arm that bruises for a week or two and then fades. This is a lot of damage, people. Cuts as long as the ones I have read about should not be left untended. They're just going to smear over everything and make a huge mess, and unless that's their purpose in the first place, stick to the little things. Reading about Captain Jack Sparrow's back getting hacked up by a rapier is not pleasant, and reading about how he sleeps it off is even less pleasant.

I won't go into alternative methods of torture with you. In fact, writing a section that exists only to give advice pertaining to how you should injure your characters seems rather sadistic already. But please, please, please...no mile long cuts that disappear over night, or scab up quick as lightening. If you're going to make your characters suffer, for the love of God, make them suffer.

Slash for the sake of slash
Ooh! What's this? Why I do believe that it is the sound that is made when one strikes a very sensitive nerve on yours truly. A very sensitive nerve indeed.

When I first began to write my own slash stories, I found myself having to defend my works to homophobes. Now, whenever I write het stories, I find myself having to defend my works to angry heterophobes. What is this? Is this some kind of a freaky twilight zone? Is it a obnoxious play that tries to put the average homophobe into the proverbial shoes of the homosexual? NO! It's a free-for-all formula fan fiction party!

It seems to me that the roles are being reversed here. Some people might think this is brilliant, and that it's high time these poor, under trodden slash authors decided to enact a little payback time on us raging homophobes. But wait! Hold the phone! By acting towards het writers the same way het writers of old acted towards slash writers only ensures that the suffering of slash writers has been wasted tremendously. I'm certain that slash writers are sick and tired of getting reviews proclaiming "U R A SICK PERVERT!!!" I never thought I'd see the day when I was sick of the same thing.

Before I'm mobbed, allow me to explain: I have nothing against slash, I have nothing against slash writers, and I have nothing against homosexual relationships in any way. I think they're fine and dandy, no pun intended. And if you're writing stories about them? Awesome! Great! Go ahead! I've written countless slash stories! Secret looks and cryptic pillow talk between two male/female characters in a movie practically exists to be exploited when it comes to our sick, twisted minds.

However, with the popularity of the new age open minded individual, not to mention the masses of slash works on fanfiction.net, homosexuality has become trendy. What started out as an almost rebellious new way of looking at films and books became an easy way to prove that yes, you too are an open minded author who loves teh SlAsHy BoYzZz!!!! (Strange how it's mostly the slashy boys as opposed to the slashy girls...sort of mirrors the hypocritical outlook that men have on lesbians, doesn't it?). This is a ridiculous concept, not to mention a concept that uses a delicate issue in society as a stepladder to a plot device. I do enjoy well written slash, but honestly...the newsies can have girlfriends too, y'know. They weren't all gay. Think of what a mad orgy the lodging house would have been if they were!

What's even worse is this strange division that seems to be springing up between "slash" and "homosexuality." But wait a second...aren't they the same thing? Not anymore. There's a story that I read once which will always stick with me, not so much what was written within the story, but a note in the author's profile. It stated that she LUUUUURVED Harry Potter slash and had a partner for every boy who went to Hogwarts. But...and I quote..."I don't like girls together tho that's just wrong!!"

In my opinion, love is love is love. Love between men, love between women, love between both, love between everything in between. Love cannot and should not be denied to anyone simply because the object of their affection has similiar genitalia. And that is a right that everyone should have. But not girls. That's just wrong.

Honestly, if you're thinking about writing slash, don't just jump on the proverbial bandwagon. Is there a reason that those two characters should be together? Is there something that can come out of the relationship? How will it advance your plot? If you find that you cannot answer two out of three of these questions, please reconsider.

And if you are going to be writing slash, just as a personal opinion...it's hard to believe if your characters don't face the tiniest wisp of persecution or personal hesitation. Even though homosexuality is relatively accepted (think of how far we've come in just one century), it's not completely scott free. Especially if we're focusing on fandoms like Grease, or Newsies, or Pirates of the Caribbean for crying out loud! To say that Will and Jack spend all their time tossing on the high seas and sharing lovely kisses in Jack's cabin is to say that both of them are immediatly comfortable with this new change in their lives. It's also to say...where's Elizabeth?

But that's a different story.

Ooh. Here's another delicate subject that I'll have to posy toe my way around to avoid angry emails. I suppose that I'll just have to get this opening statement over with and pray to gawd that million angry mothers don't come chasing after me.

Yes. You heard me. Pedophilia and rape. And not just the usual stuff, all kinds of freaky stuff. If I had a dollar for every crazy fanfic fetish that I supported, I would be richer then Hugh Heffner, and his many blonde playmates. COMBINED. I bet I can tell what you're thinking now. You're thinking that I'm not really a sixteen year old teenage girl, I'm only writing that for the purposes of luring some sweet young thing into my evil, pot bellied, bald headed, blubber lipped clutches. You're thinking that I'm really some sort of crocodile pedophile greasy aging nerd who spends the majority of his time on the internet reading skeezy fiction.

You are wrong.

I was involved on a lively debate on the godawful.net message board about this very subject when I came to form my views on said fanfiction. It was indeed about whether fanfic involving pedophilia and rape should be allowed on the internet, seeing as there were many children that roamed about it's virtual plain who were likely to run into some sickening gem somewhere or other. There were some saying that it should be banned, and some saying that it should simply bear a warning as to what was written inside. However, the majority of the opinion was that it should never have been written in the first place. And I strongly disagree.

There are two main reasons why fanfiction is so popular among young girls (and boys, but mostly girls) today. One, because establishing a closer "connection" with a character is a marvelous thing, especially if it's a hot character. C'mon. Two, we can project our own fantasies upon that character. That's a major reason, and an explanation for the popularity of Mary Sue and Gary Stu. Because we can, and we will, and we'll do it up right. Right? Right! It's also a reason why erotica is so popular, because sexual fantasies really take the cake. They are the king of fantasies. Through writing, we can project our emotions and the physical excitement that comes along with sex, one of the most powerful acts of intimacy (or not) in the world. And, most importantly, we can live out things that we'd never dream of trying in real life.

Now, if I were to read an erotic fanfic that consisted entirely of a girl going out and getting violently raped, my guess would be that the author didn't write it because it moved her plot along. There would be no plot, except for "girl going out and getting violently raped." My guess is that it would be a fetish of the author, or perhaps some sort of cleansing practice that would help her move on from a bad sexual experience that she may have had. And do you know what that is? It is good. It is good, good, good. It is so so good, my friends.

If there truly is someone sitting out there and writing about getting raped or raping, I am so, so glad that they are writing it instead of doing it. I'm so glad that they are sitting at their computer and perhaps getting all hot and bothered about it, but they are not actively practicing it. The same holds true with pedophilia. You could write the sickest, sickest, sickest pedophilic story in the entire world, and even though I would probably want to vomit after reading it, I would laugh and laugh with happiness thinking that even though the fic is an abomination to humanity, thank god that it was written up on the internet instead of in a newspaper. So for Christ sake, let them write rape. Let them write pedophilia. Let them write anything they want if it will stop them FROM DOING IT!

Now, I'm not saying that these things should be posted anywhere. Courtesy does have to be practiced, and in that case, all fics should be rated entirely honestly and accurately. I don't want to be reading through a G fic only to find that it's characters are swearing louder than a drunken sailor on St. Patrick's day. Thusly, I don't want to be reading through a PG-13 fic that suddenly goes onto describe acts of moral outrage performed on an unwilling child. Please, if your story contains pedophilia, rape, incest, slash, coupling, whatever, PLEASE make it a telling point to put it on some kind of summary or front page before the viewer gets to your fic. It's common courtesy, it's considerate, it will save a lot of innocent children. Or at least, that's the theory.

God knows it never stopped me. That's why I'm such a sicko today.

A lot of people today are unable to understand the difference between erotica and porn. Granted, it is a fine distinction, but one that can be easily remembered when you are writing. To neglect that distinction is not-so-good, because you eventually end up with a rather lopsided sex scene that will either make people cringe with disgust or disappointment. Allow me to explain.

Erotica - this is for those, like myself, who are into the softer side of sex. Instead of hearing about how his rock hard cock slammed into her dripping wet pussy, we'd rather hear about how he pushed into her and wound her hair tightly around his fists, as she moaned against his skin. I must admit that it is never the in-your-face porn that does it for me, but the sexual tension. Freakin' love sexual tension. I can't get enough of it. However, since sexual tension doesn't have it's own category (though it SHOULD), erotica is for me.

To get more detailed, erotica is almost like a nervous biology teacher. He knows that his class will laugh once he says a blatantly sexual word, so he has to skirt around it using pretty, politically correct words. Thusly, she never wraps her lips around his throbbing penis, she simply takes him into her mouth. He never licks her hot cunt, he tastes her. They never fuck, they make love. Very few specific sexual terms are mentioned (clitoris, nipple, scrotum, so forth and so on) though body parts tend to be mentioned in abundance. (Lips, tongue, mouth, ear lobe, throat, chest, legs, so forth and so on.) Not to say that erotica is all lovey-dovey emotional sex, there is some pretty hard stuff out there. I've read erotica about rape and emotional abuse that was nevertheless erotica, not porn. My friend and I are writing a story where my character is sexually abused by a vampire, but everything that has ever been posted has always been erotica, if it could even be called that.

If you're like me, erotica really is the way to go. It's really hot without being blatant (I cringe at the word "pussy". You don't know how many times I cringed writing the paragraph above.) and it can turn out very nicely when done right.

Porn - exactly the opposite of erotica. This is the blatant rock hard cock, this is the dripping wet pussy. Ew. EW EW EW EW. Excuse me.

I think the main difference between erotica and porn is each one's place in a story. Although there are many fics that only exist for erotica, there is some erotica that only exists because of fics. If there is a fic that has a plotline that involves sexuality, it's usually erotica that is written in. However, I have never read a story that included porn unless it was focused on completely. Porn just seems to be a heavier style of writing sex that doesn't fit in with your conventional plot lines.

In short, this one is the biology teacher that doesn't give a damn what his students think, and proceeds to reel of the most blatantly sexual terms he can think of. Some that shouldn't have come into the light of day in the first place.

Please don't mix the two. It's strange to be reading through a nice, soft erotica and suddenly see the word "cock" or "cunt." It throws you off, and is almost offensive to the reader. Be kind.

Alright, so you on top of yo' game. You read and fully comprehend the difference between erotica and porn, your characters are all het up and ready to go, and you feel like now is a good time to start some good old fashioned sex fiction and live out some of your wildest fantasies.

There are a few things that you should know before you begin to write NC-17 stories. Some of them I can tell you right here, some of them you have to experience to truly know, some of them are so ridiculous you'll split a gut laughing and end up in emergency. That's the way it is. But either way, you should at least give yourself the benefit of the doubt by having a look-see. After all, there might be some method to my madness, hmm?

Realism - Oh. Great. Realism. Just freaking fantastic. You impose realism on everything else, and now you want us to use it in our sex scenes? Well...yes. I'm not saying that your sex scenes must be a blow-by-blow (no pun intended) account of what happens to everyone in real life, but just the basic biological functions are a good thing to know and include. I'm so sick of reading stories where the guy comes and then gets hard, or a girl is impossibly tight despite how slutty and fuckable she is in real life. Please.

This isn't a sexual education course. I expect that if you're writing NC-17 fics, you already know more than you need to about sex. I'm going to go on to disprove a few myths that come along with sex that, for some wild reason, everyone wants to include in their fics.

Tightness - girls are tight. Then they have sex. Then they are not so tight. It takes a rare feat of nature to have a girl feel like a virgin when she is not, so please don't tell me that she's impossibly tight, because it's just not physically possible. If she was, it would hurt like a bitch every time she had sex, and that's not really a desirable thing at all, now, is it? Well, unless you're into sadism, but that's a whole other story.

Penis length - alright, perhaps it is desireable for a man to have a ten-inch stored away in his pants. Fine. Go ahead. Eleven, if you want. Hell, why not go for a foot? But don't come crying to me when your spleen is ruptured and you find that your bleeding internally from your last session. Fact is, this whole obsession with the foot long is quite absurd, seeing as that could kill a woman. The point is not to blaze a trail to her rib cage, the point is to hit the G-spot which, trust me, is not a foot from her opening. God is not that cruel.

The simultaneous orgasm - The chances of this happening, especially if it's the girls first time, are pretty much zilch. Okay, perhaps if you're dating a sex god, yes, you could orgasm at the same time during sex. But you're probably not going to. Take it from an old hand, the first time really does hurt. A lot. You're more concentrating on the fact that your lower half is being split up the middle, and you don't even know what that inner G-spot feels like, so you're not thinking of climaxing. Even past the first time, the female G-spot is incredibly hard to find. I could swear that little bastard is nomadic. If you really are intent on having the girl climax, have the guy hold back until she's done, and then do what he needs to do. Either that, or let him go first and then stimulate the clitoris. But if I read one more fic where the girl arches her back into the boy as they both moan and tremble in ecstasy I'm going to seriously wonder if there's something wrong with my own sex life.

Blow jobs - Unless you're an old hand or your partner is very gentle, these things are awkward and frightening. You can't just immediately do a good job because you read about it, deep throating is not the height of niceness, and above all...it's not physically pleasurable. For the guy, it might be mind blowing, but for the girl, it's this long...creepy...thing that is repeatedly hammering at your gag sensors. It's like getting those molds at the dentist, except the dentist is putting plastic in your mouth instead of a penis. Well, at least, he should be. And the difficulty with the teeth and the sensitiveness? How come I've never read anything about that? Also, semen isn't the new ice cream. It's semen. Salty saucy stuff. Kinda sick. Reading about girls "lapping it up" is...kinda gross. Please. Keep it real.

Positions - are awesome. But please, let's keep them anatomically possible, hmm?

More on the G-spot - This sort of ties in with "positions". I will say this only once. THE FEMALE G-SPOT IS ON THE FRONT WALL OF THE VAGINA. Therefore, there are few positions that it can actually be reached. Missionary with the male arching his back is one, reverse cowgirl is another. There are a few more out there, I'm not going to do your research for you. -wwwwwwink- So next time I hear about a couple doing it doggy style and how he is in the perfect position to hit her G-spot, I will laugh, ladies and gentlemen, laugh with the mirth that a thousand episodes of Family Guy could ever give me. LAUGH.

REVISED: I had a small section here where I voiced the opinion that it was easier to write NC-17 if you had already had sex. Unfortuneately, I was a bitch. B the Great corrected me on this one:

I wrote earlier that it was easy to tell when a virgin had written a sex scene. I primarily was thinking poorly written sex scenes, where a writer describes something that just does not happen in intercourse, and it's easy to tell that she/he has never experienced it. However, that's biased. There are millions of virgins out there who can write perfectly good sex scenes, and it was unfair to lump them in with those that can not. My apologies.

Next on my list of eternal hell is slang, ladies and gentlemen. This applies mostly to porn, because the terms used in erotica are pretty standard. Stuff you can't mess up. But porn...hoo boy...

Some of the slang I've seen used for female genitalia is love tunnel, love box, love hole, love donut, oyster, bearded oyster, love oyster, slash, gash, tunnel of love, slosh, and many, many more that are equally capable of turning the stomach and making one wrinkle one's nose up in perpetual distaste. All I have to say is...bearded oyster? How does that resemble anything remotely sexual? If I say bearded oyster, do you say "Jesus Christ, I'm so horny!" NO! YOU DON'T! Please don't use any of the above terms. They will simply throw off your readers, and make them wish that they had never been born.

A general rule-of-thumb for sex terms: If it has love in it, don't use it. Love button, love pump, love tunnel...none of them are all that great. Second: if it makes you laugh, don't use it. Nub. Nub. Third: If you can use the descriptive word to describe something utterly sickening, like vomit, don't use it. Stringy is pretty gross...lumpy? Don't even go there. Try to avoid verbs like lap, gobble, propel, slurp, and jiggle. Likewise, try to avoid sticky metaphores. It never ends well. Similes, also, are not really all that nice. "She panted like a racehorse" is a fine simile, until you put it into a sex scene.

It doesn't take much to do a sex scene well. But at the same time, it doesn't take much to turn a sex scene into a bloody mess that will make the readers want to spew out more vomit than squeamish kids that watch the slug barfing scene in Chamber of Secrets. Collectively. And that's saying a lot. Take care when you're writing your sex scenes, make sure not to mix the softer terms with the harder ones, keep your anatomy at least conceivably possible (you can't perform oral sex and penetration at the same time, unless you have no spine), and please don't forget that style whilst writing is sexy.

Very sexy indeed.