Dungeons & Dragons

 

CAUTION: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE

    This movie got a lot of bad reviews; not a few, not some, but a lot. It's also apparently held up as a shining example of bad directing and how to not make a movie. I agree that there were some stupid mistakes and decisions, which I'll cover in a moment and mark with purple text, but I also think that people went to this movie with the wrong expectations and then overreacted. What people expected was a highly funded, scripted live-action roleplay with lots of character development - a movie that simulates what goes on in the heads of D&D players. This unspoken expectation was not met, but the end result isn't bad either - the classic tale of good vs. evil, plus some dragons and, well, one dungeon.

    I generally liked this movie. The dragons were fabulous, Marlon Wayans (Snails) didn't get on my nerves, and Jeremy Irons (Profion) is over the top in the insanity department - a good actor fitting into his role as the chaotic evil villain. However, unlike Boa vs. Python, the movie didn't over exaggerate the silly stuff, so each problem drags the movie down a small notch, instead of each being a comedic element.

    Our story begins with Profion, the evil mage, and his requisite combat-adept and blue-lipsticked (If someone in the movie had made fun of it even once, it wouldn't be a big deal) lieutenant and Chief of the Crimson Brigade, Damodar, adding the finishing touches to a scepter that has the power to control dragons. It just so happens that they have a dragon on hand to test it for us right away. It seems like the staff works, and Profion declares he will be able to summon a dragon army and overtake the throne as Emperor of Izmer. But of course, the dragon isn't about to follow an (in-character) raving lunatic and rejects the scepter's control. He tries to flip out and bite Profion's head off, but Profion is too quick, slamming the cell portcullis shut and impaling the poor dragon.

    The dragon's blood spills to the nearby water source, instantly setting the river around the wizards' tower aflame to mark the tragic event. Ridley and Snails, two thieves in the city of Sumdall, adjacent to the tower, watch the fire along with a gaggle of other townspeople and discuss what they think. Ridley has only ire for the mages and how they don't care about the commoners, but Snails is more worried about what their next thieving job will be. To fulfill both of their desires, it makes sense to rob the nearby Magic School of valuables, Ridley citing that the excitement of a river catching on fire will draw the guards away.

    Meanwhile, Profion pretends that he's not an insane dragon murderer, and delivers a monologue to the Mage Council, persuading them that the current Empress is too young and doesn't hold an authoritative enough rule to keep the commoners in check. He requests of the Council a vote to remove the source of the Empress's authority, a scepter that controls gold dragons (and works, unlike Profion's attempt at making a scepter). Sort of a one-track mind here for his coup d'état, but okay. The Empress wishes to let commoners and mages alike be free and equal, but the mages like their aristocratic positions, and side with Profion's idea to dethrone her for her liberal views.

    The Empress requests advice from the elderly mage, Vildan, of how she can stop Profion's madness. He believes that the best course of action is to obtain the Rod of Savrille, which controls red dragons, similar to how the Empress's current scepter controls golds. With the Rod, he says, she could make the Council happy by giving up her scepter, but would still be able to match Profion's new dragon army with one of her own if necessary.

    Ridley and Snails arrive at the magic school and case the place, stealing whatever looks good. Snails, being the clumsy comic-relief that he is, accidentally activates a box that projects a very loud dragon illusion. Vildan and the young student mage, Marina, are researching a scroll with information of the Rod of Savrille, and hear the nearby ruckus. Marina goes to investigate and catches the two thieves in the act, tying them together with a magical rope spell while they try to fast talk their way out, but she'll have none of it, "What kind of genius would break into a magic school?"

    They have a little fun until Damodar decides to be a party crasher. Master Vildan gives a cry from the other room, and Marina runs to the rescue, Ridley and Snails in tow. Damodar demands for Vildan to give him the scroll with information on the Rod of Savrille, but the old mage is loyal to the Empress, and telekinetically sends the scroll to Marina as she runs in. Damodar isn't so impressed and kills him, while Marina blasts Damodar with lightning and hastily makes a portal to Sumdall's city streets, still pulling along Ridley and Snails.

    Marina runs panicked right into a dead end and trash heap, while Damodar and henchmen are in pursuit not far behind. A random dwarf that was taking residence in the trash heap is angry at the disturbance, and gets even angrier when Damodar shoots his helmet off with a crossbow, revealing a very nice and very bald head. The dwarf tries to slash Damodar with his battle axe, finds he's very outmatched, and makes a hasty retreat through the hidden sewer entrance. An untied Ridley and Snails, along with Marina, follow him with haste while Damodar's henchmen turn up their noses at the mere thought of following the escaping heroes into such an unsanitary place.

    Profion isn't happy that Damodar failed to get the scroll and allowed Marina to escape, so he puts some sort of worm-thing into Damodar's head as assurance that it won't happen again. It's not really explained much past that, except that it's obviously very painful, and makes Damodar's head color a little more unhealthy-looking each time we see him. It's also apparent that Damodar hates Profion, but is trapped in his service, rather than it being a "rule as partners" kind of thing.

    The heroes discuss their next course of action in a local tavern. The sewer-dwelling dwarf is with them, who hasn't actually been named yet, and his only motive seems to be payment as a mercenary. Marina insists it's not about gold, but rather about saving the empire, which prompts Ridley to repeat what he thinks about about mages. He notes that there's honor amongst thieves, even if they aren't always morally correct, unlike Profion's current political backstabbing. Marina ridicules Ridley's views as childish, and he threatens to abandon her quest, but instead stays to inadvertently unlock the secret of the scroll and be drawn inside the scroll. Marina follows.

    Damodar gives a random guy some gold, and says to his henchmen, "Do not let them escape or you will suffer a fate far worse than that which hath been inflicted upon me." They march into the tavern as if they own the place, but the dwarf starts a bar fight and escapes with the scroll and Snails (who was cheesily romancing Norda, the Empress's best Elven tracker, who we'll see later) in the confusion.

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