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LIMERICKS
These LIMERICKS are culled from around the World
These LIMERICKS are for fun and enjoyment
These LIMERICKS are for your edification and entertainment
Each LIMERICK has been carefully chosen for its humour, rhyming, and scan. Bookmark the page as new LIMERICKS are constantly being added. Please email me with your favourite LIMERICKS
A LIMERICK, as you probably know already, is a five-line poem written with one couplet and one triplet. If a couplet is a two-line rhymed poem, then a triplet would be a three-line rhymed poem. The pattern of the rhyme is a - a - b - b - a with lines 1, 2 and 5 containing 3 beats and rhyming, and lines 3 and 4 having two beats and rhyming. Although it is generally believed that Edward Lear devised the LIMERICK, it is nevertheless a fact that the five-line poem was around long before he made popular his nonsense verse. Some claim that the LIMERICK was invented by soldiers returning from France to the Irish town of Limerick in the 1700's.
LIMERICKSare meant to be funny. They often contain hyperbole, onomatopoeia, idioms, puns, and other figurative devices. The last line of a good limerick contains the 'punch line' or 'heart' of the joke. Enough of the technical stuff - LIMERICKS are supposed to be 'fun' rhymes. Enjoy the rhythm as well as the words and as you say the words, clap your hands in time with the rhythm.
The limerick is furtive and mean
You must keep her in close quarantine
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
(Contributed by C Alan Reber)
Linda Blair with great favour confessed,
She'd been exorcised, thus finding rest,
But alack and alas
Her old demon came back
and now the poor girl's repossessed.
(Contributed by Dick Lamb)
The was an old man of the isles
Who suffered severely from pisles
He couldn’t sit down
Without a deep frown
So he had to row standing for misles
(Contributed by Natalie
Moffitt)
There once was a sculptor named Phideous
Whose sculptures by most were thought hideous
He carved Aphrodite
Without even a nightie
Which shocked all the fussy fastidious
(Contributed by Natalie
Moffitt)
'Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
There was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had
no tit for Tat.
--
(Contributed by Terry Walsh)
There Once was a Man called Reg
Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge
Along came his wife
With a big Carving Knife
And cut off his meat and two veg
(Contributed by Matt Barton)
Said the Vicar to old Bishop Price,
My wife's just had twins,, ain't that nice.
But the Bishop said, "Father,
in future I'd rather,
you abstained, or were not naughty twice."
An exceedingly fat friend of mine,
When asked at what hour he'd dine,
Replied, "At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
And eight and a quarter past nine.
A limerick fan from Australia
regarded his work as a failure:
his verses were fine
until the fourth line
?
A macho young swimmer named Dwyer,
Really liked playing with fire.
One night in the dark
He swam with a shark,
And his voice is now two octaves higher.
A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By winds that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along,
And unless we are wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
There was a young lass from Australia
Who painted her ass like a Dahlia
The shape it was fine
And the color devine
But the aroma--well, that was a faihlia
(Contributed by Maurie Houseman)
There was a young lady named Kite
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She left home one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
I once took our vicar to tea;
It was just as I thought it would be:
His rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.
I wonder why didn't it fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?
There once was a girl named Irene,
who lived on distilled kerosene.
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzene!
A gourmet dining at Crewe
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too."
There once was a slimmer named Steen
Who grew so phenominally lean
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
So that sideways he couldn't be seen.
A young schizophrenic named Struther,
Who learned of the death of his Brother,
Said, "I know that its bad,
But I don't feel too sad.
After all, I still have each other."
Retired from his business becoz
There was an old gent from Hyde
Who ate rotten apples and died.
And made cider inside his inside.
Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both female and male,
"From your offspring, my dears,
May evolve a professor at Yale."
God's plan made a hopeful beginning,
But Man spoilt his chances by sinning;
But at present the other side's winning.
Said an envious, erudite ermine,
"There's one thing I cannot determine:
When I wear it, I'm called only vermin."
There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
Mislaid his set of false teeth -
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There's a wonderful family called Stein:
There's Gert and there's Ep and there's Ein.
Gert's poems are bunk,
Ep's statues are junk,
And no one can understand Ein.
There was a young lady named Harris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass
'Til the salts that she shook
In the bath that she took
Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.
There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he's a college professor.
There was a young man of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When they asked him, Why?
He said, with a sigh,
"It's because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can."
A Christian Scientist from Theale
Said, "Though I know that pain isn't real,
When I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin
I dislike what I fancy I feel".
A young man from Timbucktoo
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
There was a young lady named Harris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass
'Til the salts that she shook
In the bath that she took
Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.
There was a young fellow called Binn
Who was so excessively thin
That when he essayed
To drink lemonade
He slipped through the straw and fell in.
There was a young lady named Maud,
Who was the most terribly fraud.
She never was able
to eat at the table
but when in the larder, Oh gawd.
A critic refused, as reviewer,
To read the obscene and impure;
He soon left the scene
For the books that were clean,
just kept getting fewer and fewer.
