Series 2, Episode 12
Stephen
Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and a hearty ho-ho-ho, ring-my-chimes-and-call-me-tawdry, happy QI Christmas to you all! Yes, it's us again, by which I mean: The deep Mark Steel . . . the crisp Rich Hall . . . the even Phill Jupitus . . . and the snowbound layabout Alan Davies.
[with conductor's baton] Pause the music. I shall conduct you in. Rich.
Rich
[presses buzzer, which plays a drum intro, à la "20th Century Fox"]
Stephen
And . . . Mark.
Mark
[presses buzzer, which plays an elaborate piano sequence]
Stephen
Aw. And Phill--
Phill
[presses buzzer, which plays a moving marching band piece on trumpet]
[gets up and stands at attention reverently, gazing into distance]
Stephen
And Alan.
Alan
[presses buzzer, which plays an upbeat selection of yodelers]
[Shot of audience, who are in Christmas garb.]
Alan
What's Crocodile Dundee doing in the third row, there?
Stephen
Leather hat. I've got him. Yup.
[Shot of man in audience who is wearing a leather hat and no holiday clothing.]
Phill
And . . . and . . . and to keep it seasonal, Jesus is here, and how much more Christmas-y can you get?
[Shot of man in audience who has long hair, beard, and a sparkly Santa hat.]
Stephen
Fantastic.
Here's a question for you. What makes a festive balloon like this--[takes out green, helium-filled balloon]--go up?
Alan
Helium.
Stephen
That's the right answer. Two points. And what's it do to your voice?
Alan
Makes it go higher-pitched, if you inhale it.
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the phrase "MAKES IT GO UP" (in Christmas lettering, which continues throughout the episode).]
Alan
Oh, for--
Stephen
It doesn't make your voice go up. No. It doesn't make it go up in pitch at all. It's . . . it's the timbre that changes.
Alan
The "timbre"?
Stephen
The timbre.
Alan and Mark
That's a stamp, isn't it?
Stephen
We wanted to give you all some helium to show it, by having you sing. But I've got the three worst words in the English language to offer you.
Phill
Health--
Stephen
--and fucking Safety. It's four words! It's four words, but I'm afraid Health and Fucking Safety wouldn't let us do it on television.
Rich
What could they think would possibly happen?
Stephen
I don—
Rich
We'd float away?
Stephen
No, it's . . . it's . . . Exactly, it's . . . it's not a poisonous gas, for heaven's sake. [points to Alan] You dive, don't you?
Alan
Yes. You breathe compressed air for scuba diving.
Stephen
Yeah, but it's oxygen and helium. For deep-sea diving, that is.
Phill
So why didn't Jacques Cousteau, when he was always on "The World About Us", go, [imitates French-accented, helium-affected voice] "We have been underneath the sea--"
Alan
[starts muttering with a deep voice]
Phill
'Cause his real voice was like Paul Robeson? [deepens voice] "We 'ave been underneath the ocean!"
Stephen
There is a gas you can breathe called Xenon, which, I think, is one of the inert gases, where you do actually go John Wayne-like, when you--
Rich
Freon is like that also.
Stephen
Freon does that, does it? Yeah.
Rich
From the refrigerator.
Stephen
Yeah.
Rich
Yeah, you can suck the back out of a refrigerator, and your voice will be much lower. Did it all the time as kids.
Stephen
Did . . . did you, now?
Mark
Just want to . . . er, maybe if you're on EastEnders, every character has to have this before they start doing a bit.
Stephen
Yes.
Mark
[raises voice] "Talk like that!" And then they'd go--[pretends to inhale from a straw; deepens voice]. "We've gotta talk!"
Alan
They're all . . . That's what all the optics are, behind the bar. The Queen Vic.
Stephen
Yes.
Alan
Going--[inhales, deepens voice, and calls out]. [inhales again, raises voice] "Yeah?"
Stephen
Yes, the fact is, sound travels faster in helium, which increases the frequency, but not the pitch.
It's time for crackers. You've each got one. Alan, why don't you pull yours with Phill, and whoever wins can read out the riddle.
[Alan and Phill pull a cracker; Alan wins.]
Alan
[reads] "Why is the emperor penguin like Santa Claus?"
[Viewscreens: Video of two penguins. One stands relatively still; the other is constantly moving its flippers and head.]
Phill
[presses buzzer, which trumpets]
[throws arms up in excitement] Kids love 'em! Can't get enough of either. Big fellow with presents; funny bird.
Alan
[at viewscreen] Which one's Santa, there? I like the one on the left. He's not trying so hard.
Phill
[about other bird] "Scientists give ecstasy to one penguin."
[All panelists watch the viewscreens for a few seconds. The right-most penguin begins shaking its head violently.]
Phill
[exaggeratedly imitates the penguin]
Stephen
Well, I can tell you the answer is, er: They both come once a year.
[Silence.]
Stephen
Em—emperor--
Phill
Ahh.
Stephen
Emperor penguins have a really tragic . . . you can see how sad they look, there. They have a . . . they have a pretty tragic sex life. The male gets 10 seconds of ejaculation, and then has to spend two months, in the freezing South Pole, incubating an egg, while the wife goes off to eat fish and things like that.
Alan
He cums for 10 seconds?
Stephen
Yeah.
Phill
What noise do they make, though? When they . . . ?
Stephen
They sound a little like Angela Rippon.
Alan
"Good evening, and this is the news."
Stephen
Yeah. That's what they say. It's unusual.
Phill
"Aaand . . . finally."
Stephen
The only animal--
Phill
"This just in!"
Stephen
Oh!
Mark
Aristotle believed that you should always make love facing the north, because the . . . the strong, icy winds from the north helped conception, and made for strong babies. Apparently.
Stephen
Ooh.
Alan
Who should be facing the north?
Mark
Both. Both facing--
Stephen
Both couples can align thems— . . . Well, I mean--[places hands together, aligning fingers]. Surely, it's usual . . . ? [rotates one hand so that it is perpendicular with the other] You don't do it like that, do you? [rotates the same hand completely so that hands are aligned fingertips-to-wrist] Or like that? [looks, suddenly enlightened, at hands] Oh, I see! Like that! Ah!
Phill
Many a man will hear his wife questioning, "Is that a compass between my shoulder blades, or are you just . . . ?"
[Phill and Alan begin miming aligning their partners with compasses.]
Phill
Hang on, hang on. Wait--
Alan
Hang on. Hang on, dear . . .
Phill
I have to find a--[picks up telephone]. I've got my wife at magnetic north. Does it have to be-- . . . Well, could you get your Aristotle out and have a look for me?
Stephen
You can use GPS these days. It's so much easier.
Phill
Oh, I know.
Alan
That's if you're doing it in the Jag! You could just--[mimes steering with one hand while watching compass].
Stephen
Now, Christmas is often an excuse for a large, manly cigar. Er, if you want to take up smoking, but you want to increase your life expectancy by about eight years, what should you do? There is a way you can--
Alan
[presses buzzer, which yodels]
Stephen
Yes, Alan.
Alan
Take up smoking . . . eight years later than you were going to.
Rich
[presses buzzer, which drums]
Uh, move to Siberia.
Stephen
Yeah?
Rich
Because the life-expectancy there is longer, and also, it's one of the last places on Earth where you can still fucking smoke.
Stephen
That's a good answer! That's a very good answer. Let's put it this way. Smoking, according to most anti-smoking scientists, might shave off five years of your life. But there is something you could do; something I could do; something all of us could do . . . which would increase our life-expectancy by thirteen years.
Rich
Get married.
Alan
Shut up talking?
Stephen
Not get married; no, not shut up--
Mark
Become women?
Stephen
Not quite as extreme as that . . .
Phill
Just cut off the testicles, then.
Stephen
Yes . . . is the answer!
Phill
No!
Stephen
Eunuchs--
Phill
No!
Stephen
Eunuchs have an average--
Phill
I'd rather die eight years sooner!
Stephen
So, there we are. That's the answer. The beneficial side-effects of, er, castration could increase your life-expectancy by thirteen years, which comfortably outweighs the mere five years which a 20-a-day habit is supposed to take off your life, on average. Other good things about being castrated are: You don't go bald or suffer from acne, so it's easier to pull. But, erm--
Talking of traditional Christmas-y objects, what did Italian barbers do with 8,000 balls every year?
Phill
[looks down at notepad as though he's done a calculation]
Increase their life-expectancy by 32,000 years!
Alan
Would they . . . Because barbers . . . Er, they've got a cut-throat razor--
Stephen
Yeah.
Alan
Were they in the castrating business at the time?
Stephen
They were in the castrating game! And there were that many castrations between the 16th century and the mid-19th century for castrati, for singing. 4,000 Italian 8-year-olds every year.
Alan
8-year-olds?!
Stephen
8-year-olds. Yeah.
Alan
And now . . . Is that their choice? Or is that pushy parents?
Stephen
They had pushy parents, I'm afraid. But they can become incredibly rich and successful. The most recent one was a fellow called Moresco†, and we have him on record. Can we hear a little bit of Moresco? He died in 1922. He was the last of the Papal castrati.
[Sound clip of Alessandro Moreschi singing "Ave Maria":
Click here to listen to the complete performance.]
Rich
This is the sound of the actual operation!
Alan
This . . . this is the actual operation! In a minute, you'll hear--[brings hand down as cutting knife]. "Schoop!"
Stephen
But, certainly, er . . . Farinelli. Did you ever see that film about Farinelli? He could sing from a . . . from a C-3, down there . . . [hits imaginary note with finger several times; after a few tries, the sound of a C-3 is repeatedly heard] That . . . ooh! I did it! [continues to hit note] Up to a--[hits much higher note with other hand, as sound plays].
Phill
It's like that music quiz!
Stephen
Can you hear those two? [hits C-3 five times, then other note five times, as sound accompanies him]
Rich
[presses buzzer, which drums]
Stephen
But that's, er . . . That's quite a range.
Alan
Their voices never break?
Stephen
No. 'Cause the testosterone is what causes the lengthening of the vocal chords, to deepen the voice.
The operation was illegal, and so, would often be carried out, er, by the village barber, and then explained as some kind of accident with a wild boar.
Phill
Do they have photos up on the wall of people with no bollocks?
Stephen
Slightly outdated ones.
Phill
Yeah. Yeah. Tony Curtis's lack of knackers. You know.
Mark
Do they come 'round with a mirror afterwards and go--[imitates a barber holding a mirror up at various angles so that his work can be examined].
Stephen
Why don't you, young Rich?
[Rich and Mark pull a cracker; Rich wins.]
Rich
Uh, "Name one of the animals present at the birth of Jesus."
Alan
Donkey.
Rich
[presses buzzer, which drums]
Stephen
Donkey?
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "ASS".]
Mark
[presses buzzer, which pianos]
Camel. There must be a camel.
Stephen
A camel, eh?
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "CAMEL".]
Stephen
No . . . Oh, dear. Oh, dear. No.
Alan
Cow?
Stephen
A cow?
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "COW".]
Alan
Er, sheep?
Stephen
Sheep, eh?
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "SHEEP".]
Stephen
Ah. Piling on the points!
Alan
Are there . . . were there no animals present?
Stephen
Ah, well done! You've saved yourself 50 points.
Alan
I thought he was born in a stable full of animals. I've seen it in nativity model scenes.
Stephen
Ah, but, in fact, the first nativity crib wasn't 'til over 1000 years . . . 1200 years after the birth of Christ. There's no reference whatsoever to animals at the birth of Christ, but there's just one reference, in Luke, to Christ being laid in a manger. And so people have assumed it may have been a stable, but there's absolutely no evidence otherwise whatsoever.
But you can get a point if you can tell me who it was who came up with the first crib with animals.
Alan
1000 years ago.
Stephen
In 1223, yeah.
Alan
1223.
Mark
Thomas Aquinas. When was he?
Stephen
Not Thomas Aquinas, no, but a . . . certainly a saint.
Mark
Saint Francis.
Stephen
Saint Francis of Assisi, quite right, Mark Steel.
Alan
That's worth more than a point!
Stephen
It . . . I . . . it is. Have five.
Mark
Do you know what I . . . sort-of . . . I don't mind religion, really. Do you know why, really? Because what I love is that . . . the "Thought for the Day" that comes in on the radio in the morning. 'Cause all they do . . . They do whatever's on that day's news, and they just crowbar about Jesus in, somehow. So they have some vicar saying something: "As the continuing row about A-level testing seems to ramble on and on and on, isn't that a little bit like Jesus? But although Jesus didn't have to do A-levels, he certainly did have to do tests. When . . . When . . . When he went into the wilderness, wasn't that God's way of saying, 'You may turn over your papers and begin now'?"
Stephen
Brilliant.
Rich
In America, they just . . . they just milk it in ads, at Christmas. Everything. "Autolite. The sparkplug Jesus would have used."
Stephen
Er, Saint Francis, in the town of Grecio; he put down some hay and some little toy oxen and asses. That was the start of it all.
Now, erm, what do we know about the Magi?
Phill
[presses buzzer, which trumpets]
They taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows.
Alan
Aren't they tribesmen, like the Jedi?
Stephen
Erm, well, I mean, everyone is a tribesman of some kind, er . . . I did an interview with the President of Uganda, and, er . . . er . . .
Phill
[bursts out laughing]
Stephen
I don't know why you find that so amusing! Why is that funny?
Mark
No other person could say that and get away with it!
Stephen
Well, I did, so there. Anyway.
And, er . . . Anyway, there we were in Kampala, and one thing he got rid of in Uganda was excessive sectarianism, and . . . and I asked him, as a question: I said, "You yourself are Bugandan." And he said, "Yes, I am. What tribe are you?" And it's an absolutely right point.
Alan
I would say . . . my tribe would be, probably . . . Essex.
Stephen
Essex. Yeah.
Rich
Cherokee.
Stephen
Cherokee. Are you . . . Are you actually . . . Do you have Cherokee in you?
Rich
Part Cherokee, yeah.
Stephen
Really!
Mark
You said you did an interview with the president of Uganda. You reminded me. Someone once told me that they worked in the same office as David Frost. And they walked into the office just as David Frost picked up the phone and said, "Boutros Boutros--"
Stephen
Oh! This--
Mark
"--how the devil are you?"
Stephen
No! This is . . . This is my story!
Mark
Oh, is it?! [laughs, hiding face in hand]
Stephen
No, no! It's weird! This is weird! No--
Alan
You're going to tell us you were at the birth of Christ in a minute!
Stephen
I promise you! No, it's just--
Alan
"I was actually there at the beginning of what we might call, today, 'Christmas' . . . "
Stephen
No, I did--
Mark
"I did an interview with the Virgin Mary . . . "
Stephen
No, I . . . it was . . . I did one of his Sunday morning programmes when you're supposed to look at the papers of David Frost, and behind, I had this other guest coming in; I didn't know who else was in; it was Sunday morning, for God's sake; I was barely alive. Er . . . But I heard the voice behind me: [as David Frost] "Boutros Boutros. Always a pleasure!" This is . . . Absolutely, that's story's . . . He does . . . He's fantastic, by the way.
I remember, once . . . another . . . [to Alan] Just you, and make you laugh at me--but I happened to be at a 4th of July party the, erm, American ambassador was holding at his . . . his house in Regent's Park--
Alan
[indeed, laughs]
Stephen
And . . . and--
Phill
Stephen, Stephen, you've gotta tell us: Ferrero Rocher as far as the eye can see?
Stephen
But, er . . . again, I was talking to David Frost, and Tony Blair walked past. . . . And David Frost threw out a hand and went [as Frost], "Beloved!" It was fantastic! "Beloved!"
He once . . . And he said something . . . It was written . . . But he said, "I gather you've . . . you've written a book. It behoves--we're all behove--we--we behove us--it be— roll-over behoven!"
However. Probably enough Frost-y stories. Er . . .
Alan
Magi, then.
Stephen
There we are. So, the Magi, the "Maggy" . . . We hoped you might fall into the trap of suggesting that there were three wise men. And that is, erm, not what they are. They were Persian or Zoroastrian priests--
Alan
And what's myrrh?
Phill
What did they really bring?
Stephen
Myrhh is a little oil.
Alan
Is it good for babies?
Stephen
It's expensive and rare, and when it's given to babies, it's used in anointing. Of course, six days after he was born . . . a week after he was born, he had to have the old, erm, "snip", while we're on the subject, didn't he, Jesus?
Alan
Did they--
Stephen
The feast of circumcision, as it is called.
Alan
--have an Italian Barber? Tiptop?
Stephen
It wasn't . . . no, Jesus was not--
Alan
[in comical Italian accent]
"Would you like me to cut anything else?"
Stephen
Jesus--
Alan
"I can make him sing!"
Stephen
--just . . . Jesus had to--
Alan
"He could be rich! Isn't that what you want? Mary! Look at you in this shitty stable!"
Phill
"You can't even afford any animals!"
Alan
"You are so lucky there is no animals here. It would be worse!"
Stephen
Strange version of Stoke Newingtonian Greek. But--
Alan
That's my random southern Mediterranean.
Stephen
And it's very good. It worked well. It worked well. Stood you by all these years.
Well, according to the enfeebled dolts who run the General Synod of the Church of England, "Magi is a word which discloses nothing about numbers, wisdom, or gender." It's generally been assumed that there were three of them because they brought three gifts, but it's quite possible that there were four, and one forgot to get a present until after the shops were closed. Anyway, they could have been women, apparently.
Alan
I liked your use of "enfeebled dolts".
Stephen
Did you? Thank you. Thank you.
One thing we do know about the Magi, don't we, is that they all went their separate ways afterwards, 'cause they'd heard tell of Herod and how angry he was about this, and . . . but what do we know of Herod's wife? In other words, what was the name of Herod's wife?
Alan
[presses buzzer, which yodels]
Stephen
Yes.
Alan
Mrs Herod.
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the phrase "MRS HEROD".]
Stephen
Oh! I'm not going to say you're predictable, but my goodness, me. No, we want her given name. They didn't use "Missus" in Judea.
Alan
Maria. Sylvia. Jane. Michelle. Mary. Rebecca.
Stephen
Fortunately, we haven't got all those up. But--
Phill
Beyonce.
Stephen
It is . . . it's nearly that odd. It's nearly that odd.
Alan
Britney. Madonna. Yvonne.
Stephen
It begins with a "d".
Alan
Denise.
Stephen
No.
Alan
Dawn.
Phill
Detox.
Alan
Donna.
Alan and Phill
Diana.
Stephen
Closer.
Alan
Don—
Phill
Donatella.
Alan
Donatella.
Stephen
No, no. Forget the "n".
Alan
"Doh".
Phill.
Doh.
Stephen
"Do—" is a good beginning.
Alan
Dorothy. Dorothy.
Stephen
[pointing at Alan] Shorter!
Alan
Dorothea.
Phill
Dorot.
Stephen
[singing] "Que será, será . . . "
Mark
Doris. Doris.
Stephen
Doris! Thank you! Doris.
Phill
Doris Herod?!
Stephen
Yes! I know! It's a surprise . . . Her name was Doris.
Phill
[as shrewish woman] "He's been out all night killin' bebes. I'm tellin' ya. If he comes back in here covered from head-to-foot in the blood of the innocents, I am not washing that cloak. Herod!"
Stephen
Good. I lot of mileage to be had out of poor Herod's wife. She was, indeed, called "Doris".
Phill
Doris!
Stephen
It's a Greek name. To our ears, it is a bit funny, but--
Phill
"Did you find the Messiah? Because he's a very naughty boy!"
Stephen
King Herod and Queen Doris. There they are.
Alan
How do you say it in Greek, then?
Stephen
You would say "Thorus". Probably a slight hint of a "th".
Alan
Can you do a Greek pronunciation of Greek things?
Stephen
"Σταχτοδοχείο", if you want, is "ashtray", for example. Oh, you mean ancient Greek.
Alan
Ancient Greek. Yeah.
Mark
It wasn't the same sort of Greek! They weren't walking around in togas, up the Parthenon and philosophizing, going, [accented] "I wonder whether the sun go round the earth, or is it other way around?"
Stephen
Idiot!
Mark
"It's-a been a-puzzling me all night about a triangle and whether the angle are the same on the different angle, compared-a that one up there . . . it's the same, innit?"
Stephen
That's Pythagorus.
Alan
Put these vegetables on that skewer and shut up.
Stephen
My grandfather always used to call Pythagoras "Peter Gorus," 'cause he was Hungarian, my grandfather. And he said [as his grandfather], "Ah, you go to school; you learn about Peter Gorus!" And I said, "Who is this Peter Gorus?" And I remember saying . . . and I came home, and he said, "Did you do the Peter Gorus?" I said, no, we'd not done any Peter Gorus. He said, "Go . . . go to your . . . ask your mathematics teacher. He must do the Peter Gorus!" And I said, "Are we going to do Peter Gorus?" He'd go, [dismissive] "Shut up, Fry. What do you--"
Years later, I discovered he meant "Pythagoras"! He used to pronounce "pineapple upside-down cake" "piniople opshiden-dovne tsoke."
Rich
[presses buzzer, which drums]
I just wanted to move on, 'cause my mom's name is Doris.
Stephen
Oh. There you are. Is it?
Rich
It is.
Stephen
After--or "named for", named for, as you say in America--named for Doris Day?
Rich
No, no, no, no. It was given to her by the President of Madagascar!
Stephen
Now, it's another cracker question. So it must be Phill's turn.
Phill
Oh, Lordy.
[Phill and Alan pull a cracker; Phill wins.]
Phill
Oh!
Alan
Hey!
Phill
Ha ha! "How many heads did Jesus's granny have?"
Alan
Maternal or paternal?
Stephen
Well . . . if you think about it, he only had a maternal grandmother, because . . . his father wasn't Joseph; his . . . So he had his mother's mother--
Alan
Right . . .
Stephen
--but he didn't have a father's mother. 'Cause God didn't have a mother.
Alan
That's what I meant.
Stephen
Ah, yeah.
Alan
I'm not as stupid as you think.
Stephen
Oh, no, you're not even . . . no, you're not . . . you couldn't be.
Alan
"How many--"
Stephen
Oh, no! I mean . . . No!
Alan
[to Phill] I couldn't sink as low as Stephen's expectations of me.
Stephen
Oh, no, no. Not at all, at all. Erm . . .
Alan
His mum's mum had how many heads?
Stephen
Yeah.
Alan
One head.
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "ONE".]
Stephen
His mother's mother was Saint Anne, and, rather oddly, er, she had seven.
Alan
How?
Stephen
On the authority of the Church, she had seven. Because for hundreds of years, during the Middle Ages, her heads were proudly on display, simultaneously, at Léon, Apt, Aix-la-Chapelle and Chartres, in France, er, in Bologna, in Sicily, and in Düren, in Germany. And so, she must have had seven, because the Church recognised them all.
Good. Time for another question, then. How is it possible to die and come back to life after three days?
Alan
[presses buzzer, which yodels]
"Cryosthenics."
Stephen
Oh, it . . . sort-of know what you're saying there, yes. Cryogenics. Yeah.
Alan
[gestures at Stephen as though to say "that's the one"]
I nearly said "calisthenics".
Stephen
Yes, it's a mixture. [jogs arms in place] When you do exercises while you're frozen in suspension. Yeah.
Alan
"Cryo--" . . . what was it?
Stephen
It's--
Alan
--"genics".
Stephen
Cryogenics. Yeah. Freezing people.
Alan
Yeah. When they freeze you and bring you back to life.
Stephen
Yeah. Well, no, what you want to be is a water bear. Which has another, rather sweet name, which is a "tardigrade".
[Viewscreens: Picture of a pink tardigrade.]
Stephen
There's one.
Alan
Is that it?
Stephen
Yes.
Phill
That's not a bear!
Stephen
No--
Phill
It's the Sydney Opera House!
Alan
[examining viewscreen] It really is the Sydney Opera House.
Stephen
It really is, isn't it? I can see where he got the idea from. No, I mean, they're not very big. I mean, you can see them with the naked eye. That's magnified. We've done all kinds of nasty things to them. We've boiled them, frozen them, poisoned them, suffocated them, dehydrated them, and bombarded them with radioactivity. And still they live. They just put themselves into suspended animation--in such a state--without any metabolism going on, and things turn out nicely for them.
Phill
[as Yogi Bear] "That's . . . not a very nice way to treat a bear!"
Stephen
No! It certainly isn't!
Phill
"I've been bombarded with radiation, Boo Boo! They've frozen me; buried me! I'm gonna be dead for a thousand--" [as Boo Boo] "Oh, Yogi, Yogi."
Stephen
Well, in fact, tardigrades have been frozen to within one degree of absolute zero.
Alan
I thought you were going to say "to within an inch of their life."
Stephen
Yes, "we'll freeze you within an inch of your life."
Alan
Would you have that as a superpower, if you could? What would your superpower be, of choice?
Stephen
Invisibility.
Alan
Really.
Stephen
Yeah, I think that would be fun.
Alan
Would you?
Stephen
Ah, it'd be great fun. What would you like?
Alan
I'd like to have no bodily smell.
Rich
I would like to . . . I would like to travel ahead in time, but only by two seconds. I could go, "Gesundheit!" and you would sneeze.
Stephen
Really freak people out, wouldn't you? That's a very funny idea.
We must have another question. Another cracker question.
[Mark and Rich pull a cracker; Mark wins.]
Stephen
So.
Mark
Er, er, right. Well, I'll read out what it says. It says, "Where is, like, the coolest place in the universe, man?"
Alan
Venus.
Stephen
You've deliberately chosen the planet second-nearest to the sun, did you? "The coolest place in the universe."
Rich
He meant Venus in the winter.
Alan
Yeah. Neptune. Camden Market.
Stephen
We'll, it's . . . You were much, much nearer than you were with--
Alan
Oh!
Stephen
'Cause its on Earth.
Rich
The freezer!
Stephen
Ye— No. We can get much colder . . . The coldest you can go is -273 Centigrade, which is known as "absolute zero"--
Phill
[exaggeratedly shivers] Brrr!
Stephen
--or zero Kelvin. And then, everything stops. And even the universe is three degrees above absolute zero, because it still has some of the heat left over from the . . . from the Big Bang. Even the coldest regions--
Alan
Everything stops.
Stephen
Yeah.
Alan
Can't get any colder--
Stephen
You can't get . . . Yes, you can't get anything. You can't get a bus; you can't get a dentist appointment . . . nothing.
Alan
So where might it be absolute zero?
Stephen
Well, scientists have managed to create a big bar . . . a huge, one ton metal bar, which is just a fraction of a degree above absolute zero.
Alan
Is it, ironically, in the middle of the desert?
Stephen
Exactly. It's in a very hot place, indeed. It's in Louisiana, yes. In Baton Rouge, the state university of Louisiana.
Phill
There's bound to be one scientist . . . Goes in with the big iron bar one day--[looks around furtively and sticks his tongue to the desk].
Stephen
"Frank!"
Phill
[flails, attempting to pull his tongue away]
Alan
And then, suddenly, go--[imitates alarm sirens]. With the S.W.A.T. team.
Phill
[still affixed] Aw. Not again! Help me! [removes tongue and sits up] You can't resist it, can you?
Stephen
The only chance there's something as cold in the universe is if it's been created by an alien intelligence in some other part of the universe.
Now, fingers on the buzzers for another round of General Ignorance.
Alan
No, no, I don't . . . I don't want to do General Ignorance.
Stephen
[laughs shortly] Why not?
Alan
Because I always get them wrong, and I will not be humiliated at Christmas.
Stephen
Well, you don't know anything. That's the problem.
Alan
Well, it's . . . You have all the answers, so why . . . There's no point telling me I don't know anything.
Stephen
Well, do you think it's easy for me, do you?
Alan
Yes, I think it's quite easy for you.
Stephen
[stands up and moves away from chair] All right. Why don't you sit here . . . and I'll sit there. Go on.
Alan
[hesitates] No, cause I'm just . . . I was only having a joke.
Stephen
Yeah. Well, it's Christmas. It's tradition, at Christmastime, for servants to be served by the master.
[Alan gets up, and he and Stephen switch chairs.]
Stephen
Everything swaps around. Go on. Sit. Oh, see, this is easy now. You see, this is . . . Just lounge back and talk to Phill.
Alan
[takes out folded pieces of paper from pocket] Okay, Stephen!
Stephen
Oh, yes. Oh, hello.
Alan
Ha ha ha! I've been waiting for this opportunity!
Stephen
Oh, Christ.
Alan
A question just for Stephen.
Stephen
[direly] Yes.
Alan
Who plays in goal for Aston Villa?
Stephen
Oh!
Stephen
[raises index finger, then drums on desk] Erm . . . Well, I do know you've got a Swede called Thomas Sørensen who plays in goal, but has he been taken over by--
Alan
[is hiding behind a hand on his forehead]
Stephen
--Stefan, er, Posta?
Alan
Postma. Yes.
Stephen
Postma. Yeah. Which is it? Which is the actual . . . Which is your number one, there?
Alan
Thomas Sørensen's the number one.
Stephen
Sørensen's the number one.
Alan
He's actually Danish, but I'll give you that.
Stephen
Yes, he played against England.
Alan
[infinitesimally despondent] Yes . . . This isn't . . . This isn't gonna work. Okay.
Stephen
No, I just happened to know that.
Alan
Er, another question for Stephen.
Stephen
Oh, no, no.
Alan
You probably, er, all know this one, but, erm: What was Mozart's middle name?
Stephen
[laughs ruefully] This is going to be a trick question, isn't it? You want--
Alan
I don't know! You're the smarty-pants!
Stephen
Oh, bollocks! Erm.
Alan
I have to hurry you!
Stephen
Well, let's . . . You want me to say "Amadeus", so I'll say "Amadeus".
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "AMADEUS".]
Alan
[delightedly] Oh! "Wolfgang"! His full name was Johann Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophophilis† Mozart; he usually called himself "Wolfgang Amadé", not "Amadeus".
Stephen
Oh.
Alan
Or "Wolfgang Gottlieb".
This question for Stephen Fry.
Stephen
[throws arm down, knowing he is trapped]
Phill
[cackles in amusement]
Alan
How many states of matter are there?
Stephen
Oh, hello. Well, if you count plasma, I suppose, four: Liquid, solid--
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "FOUR".]
Alan
[ecstatically] Oh!
Stephen
[nods resignedly and puts head on desk]
Alan
[reading from paper] "Four" is wrong. Six! I'm surprised at you, Stephen.
Stephen
Oh. It's printed down, is it?
Alan
They are, of course: solid, liquid, gas, plasma, Bose-Einstein condensate, and fermionic condensate, sometimes known as filament.
Stephen
[snaps in exaggerated disappointment] Gosh darn!
Alan
This, er . . . This question is for Stephen Fry . . .
Stephen
Oh.
Phill
Alan Davies, hunched in front of his pub trivia machine. [pretends to write on notepad] "There's a good one! I like that. I like that."
Alan
Which way does the bathwater go down the plughole in the northern hemisphere?
Stephen
Whichever way you want it to. You can push it to go one way and push it to go the other.
Alan
[starts looking through papers and cards in an effort to discount him]
Stephen
I've tried it.
Alan
[disappointed in finding nothing] Oh! [flips through a few QI cards] Yeah, that's true . . .
Phill
"Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom?" [as Stephen] "I'm pushing it to go one way; I'm pushing it to go the other . . . I'm the master of the bathroom! Haha-haha!"
Alan
Okay. What do penguins in the Falkland Islands do when RAF jets fly over them?
Stephen
[presses buzzer, which plays a selection of Christmas bells]
Phill
"Fry, Cambridge!"
Stephen
Actually, er, they look up and, er, fall over. Topple over backwards.
Alan
[eager] Really?
Stephen
Yeah.
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the phrase "FALL OVER".]
Alan
[imperturbable tone] Oh, Fry. You idiot.
They walk away from the noise! The idea that they watch the jets going overhead and then fall backwards is--
Stephen
[nods once, prompting him]
Alan
--is an urban myth.
This one, for everyone. What kind of animal is sacred in India?
Stephen
[in stage whisper, with folded arms] [to Phill] Do not say "cow"!
[to other side of table] Do not say "cow"!
[normal voice] That's my hint.
Phill
[presses buzzer, which trumpets]
. . . The cow.
[Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "COW".]
Stephen
I warned you.
Alan
There are no sacred cows in India. The term "sacred" is a Christian one; doesn't really apply to India. Even if it did, it wouldn't apply to cows. There are no cow deities, cow icons, cow statues, and no temples to cows.
Stephen
Very good.
Alan
Cows are one of the few animals that are not the object of worship in India. [leans back happily]
Stephen
There you are. Well done. Do you want me to wrap up?
Alan
Yeah, why don't you wrap up?
Stephen
I'll wrap up. All right. Well done.
[Stephen and Alan switch back to their regular seats.]
Stephen
Very well done. [flips through Alan's papers] Huh.
Well, ah, on that, er, extraordinary note, let's look at the scores. In first place, with a very proud and impressive seven points is Rich Hall. In, er . . . In second place is Mark, with two points. Phill is third, with minus-three. Alan has minus-fifty two. But unfortunately, our runaway loser is Stephen, on minus-fifty six. Oh, dear, oh, dear.
So, from Rich, Mark, Phill, Alan, and myself, and from all of us at QI, hope you enjoy the rest of the Christmas holiday. Er . . . Have a brilliant new year, and we'll see you all again very soon. Good night. Happy Christmas.
Notes
Transcription Notes- Moresco. The name of the castrato in question is actually Alessandro "Moreschi".
- Theophophilis. Alan, in turn, adds an extra syllable to the name that should rightly be "Theophilis".