| Homepage |
|
|
|
STEPHANIE'S PERSONAL JOURNAL |
Tuesday February 06, 2007
Now that February is here, I move onto Phase II of my training, which is exciting- Phase I involves a lot of work, but little visible results- but Phase II yields tight diet and increased levels of cardio, so I'll be able to see the fruits of my labour in the coming weeks! ( I am BEYOND ready to rock a six pack again...ugh. Belly is gross and uncomfortable!)
I'm glad that I am back in training; it takes up a lot of time, and it's a welcomed distraction. I've been really lonely lately, and I don't know if it's because everyone's talking about Valentine's Day, or because I recently had a little one-on-one time with a boy, or what. But I've given up on the whole dating thing...how am I ever supposed to have a normal relationship when I was raped at age 18, and at age 20 my fiance dropped me faster than a hot potato? My trust and faith in men is very slim, and someone once commented that I have abandonment issues, but I don't agree with that...if I had abandonment issues, I would be clingy, and I am definately NOT. I merely assume the guy will leave me, and that's just logical, haha. (God, I'm stubborn!)
I am over my fiance, but what he did still hurts. He could of at least TOLD me that he was leaving- not coming home from work, and never calling me again was unkind, and I am still confused as to what happened...well, sort of. I mean he's got a baby now, so obviously that's why, but I had no idea! My life was planned out- I was supposed to get married after college, and now that I'm not...well, who knows what the future holds. I have just come to accept the fact that I will never get married, and possibly never even have another relationship.
But that acceptance doesn't solve the fact that I still have needs- beyond the OBVIOUS physical, I'm still human, and l need to be loved, and touched, and have the support of another person. I don't have a family, it's been just me & my Mom since I was 11, and while I love Mamacita Anita more than anyone else on this earth, she isn't home much, and women don't snuggle the way guys do- they have this way of holding you that makes you feel safe, and protected.
Anyways, I just needed to vent that, cuz the last week I have been feeling really sad all the time, and I haven't figured out how to make myself feel better yet!! I guess I'll just have to win my competition in May ;-)
Sunday February 04, 2007
This is a quick update, because I am too whacked to type- it has been a BUSY week! I didn't get any homework done, but had some good laughs, and it was my Mom's birthday, some school tests and stuff, and a freelance plumbing job in another town, which was rewarding but LONG. Good people, that I worked for, though- there were lots of laughs amongst the frustration that old homes can bring.
The last week of January marked the first three weeks back in training...so now we step it up. This week, the diet gets really strict, and the weights get heavier! I had my "last meal" of the year- my last junk food! I chose...chocolate, which was yummy while I put it in my mouth, but now my tummy hurts :-\ I guess I won't miss it, haha. (Nor will I miss the sugar crash which is making an appearance now...damn blood sugar.) To stay on track for May's show, I will need to lose 10lbs this month. That means no more social life! Discipline, scheduled meals, and GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP- something that I have been absolutely horrible about for the past few weeks! (Though yesterday I slept in until 9:30, and just lay in bed for awhile, enjoying the sunlight streaming through my window!) I will be excited, though- I don't like being this size!! Ppl think I did this on purpose, cuz a lot of BB'ers and fitness competitors do bulking cycles, but not me! Definately was an accident, and I can't wait to be back in my cute jeans! :-)
Oh yeah, and you would be proud of me- last weekend, I went on my first date in two years! It was AWESOME, though the gentleman seems to have lost interest, but we're still cool and hang out between classes, etc. It was just nice to get out there and NOT think about my ex-fiance for once!! The guy was really cool too- really cute, into sports like I am, and we have the same sense of humour, so we pretty much didn't stop laughing all night. How nice it was to have a positive dating experience, instead of being stalked, or it being some weirdo!
Anyways, I am going to go paint my nails, because my manicure is shredded after all that plumbing work I did this week! I have classes at 8am tomorrow (weather pending...damn, that was a scary drive back to the city today!) This week I promised myself I won't skip class, which is a nasty habit I've developed in the past two weeks- it's so hard not to, because I find it SO BORING and easy, since I've done all this stuff before in the REAL WORLD. But that's irrelevent; I still have to go to class, do the homework, and just get the damned piece of paper!
Peace out!
|
|