I dunno why i flew into a rage of anger today. The moment i called 'you', you were so sarcastic on me, making me feel that u are blaming me for the number displayed on your phone. I told you that i didn't do it! And we just argued over the fact about whether u blamed me or not. This is silly i know but somehow, we are so used to arguing over such  minor things that i feel so sick!

Once again, i brought up the topic of a break-up. I am not being pessismistic, drowning myself in my own sorrows! I really can't stand the way we behave, and what is going on in this relationship. I really want to break myself out of it! But, you just would not give up! U make me feel that i have no choice! I am really left without much choice and nothing in this world. I know if i continue to be stuck in this relationship, my future and my aims will be destroyed in your own hand! Yes, you can be a leader. U can! But u act like a tyrant to me. U make me fear! U are really losing your mind over your love for me. I fear so...

I nearly commit suicide today but my lack of will pulled me back. I can't imagine how sad my family members will be when they find out. I love them a lot! Yes, i am selfish! So selfish as to seek for my own freedom, leaving behind all loved ones! I am sorry... that i can't tell any of u what is going on, until u find out yourself on this website when i am gone. I dunno when i will be leaving. But i am planning now. I really dunno how long i can carry on with my life in this stage.

I HATE YOU! I am very confused!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!! You forced me to the brink! You didn't want to let me get out of this relationship, and to make things worst, you want to give me a taste of my own food! I HATE YOU!

"I am sorry everything was my fault." Oh yea yea, everything was MY FAULT! You are always right! Let me tell you again, it's not that i can't explain for what i have done. I kept my mouth shut all the while because you always have something to argue about whenever i give you my reasons. I know that the argument would never end if i don't give up! You dare to say that you never scolded my parents? I still remember the day when u brought me to the reservoir. You scolded my parents with vulgarities all the way! I cried so hard because you scolded them! And yes, i began to scold your parents after that, because you scolded mine first!

You wanna be strong? Well, let this web page of mine make u stronger! I shall condemn you like shit! And you grow stronger, more heartless, and best of all, stop loving me! This world is a better place without you around in my life! Since you don't want to free me, i will search for my own way... don't ever think that i can't. I will show you what i mean by I CAN!

He's always late for any appointment, always procrastinating whatever he is gonna do, always postponing our outings. I lose my cool yesterday. I couldn't help feeling sad over this 'little' things as i expect the basics to be fulfilled in the relationship.

He mentioned that i have no right to expect so much from him, because i have never showed him that i can be a good wife in future. For goodness sake! I will never want to be his wife. I am staying in this relationship, cos he refused to let me go. I have nowhere to run, as he will track me down. Whoever said i love him alot, and whoever said i want to be his wife are all FOOLS!

He shouted at me last night. And screamed out all the good points about him, and how bad i was. His parents heard him, and so did his neighbours. He was out to embarrass me, and he succeeded. He accused me of so many things that i did not say nor do. He is very sensitive... or should i say, he has some mental problems. He always think that people are out to hurt him, and he thought likewise about me. I didn't want to hurt him. All i did was to make myself worse than ever, to make him lose his interest in me. But he thought otherwise. He kept on insisting that i wanted to hurt him, and forced me to admit it!

I felt so confused, so scared, and so lost! I couldn't help screaming and crying. I do not know why i did all that. I hit my head constantly! I stopped hitting when i felt so painful all over my head, like as if it's going to burst. A few parts of my head are still swollen. He scolded me for being useless. I feel very angry and very sad over his remarks! I pulled my hair! But he showed no concern. He said my behaviours are very dramatic!

I do not dare to commit suicide. And yet, i wanted to much to die! I hope that a car on the road can hit me accidentally. I hope that i'll be able to fall down a building. I really want to die. I can't imagine life ahead! I really can't... and i am so scared!

My bf called me this morning at around 8:50 am when i was on my way to school. I wasn't in the mood to talk to him. I just dread talking to him in the morning. So i gave him a very bad attitude when i talked. After i boarded the bus, i continued talking that way, and he scolded me.

After a moment, he asked me to talk. I can't find any topic to talk!  Oh pleaassse! He was the one who called me, and yet he hasn't anything on mind that he wanna tell me about and he expected me to talk. Well, i tried to talk anyway. I asked him a few questions like what time did he wake up, what time did he sleep, what was he doing, what he ate, etc. ( I am sorry... i really can't find any topic, but he insisted on chatting!) In the end, he got so frustrated that he scolded me. I hadn't mean to be so annoying. As i have repeated so many times, i just do not know what to talk to him.

We ended up quarrelling. But i wasn't the one who quarrelled with him. He got so frustrated with me, that he just poured out all his thoughts. And he brought back all our past unhappiness to quarrel with me. He really has endless unhappiness inside him. He quarrelled with me for half an hour. Mind u, i did not talk. He was the one who kept quarrelling with me, and i just listened. I have no mood for that childish act.

During that moment, i felt so sad and very angry at the same time. He kept saying how bad i was, and how worse i became now. Am i really that bad? I was so demoralised, and just told him to break off with me (i always hope that he will let me leave but he never agreed to it and kept pestering me). He replied by asking me not to use that as a 'weapon' to threaten him everytime in our quarrel. I am not threatening him, cos i really want to break off from this relationship so much! He kept comparing me with so many others, emphasizing how bad i am. I mean, since i am so bad, why don't he leave me!?

My mind was spinning rapidly. I kept wondering if there are any tall buildings on my way to school, or near any bus stops which my bus will go to. But nope, there isn't any, not even a single one! I could only see private housings. I really hope to leave him for good! But i can't... because he wouldn't let me go. He kept pestering me... and i am very scared!

When i reached school at around 9:18am, he continued scolding me all the way till 9:35am when i entered my lecture theatre to attend a marketing lecture. By 10:45am, i had my break. And as usual, it is a MUST to call him during my break time. I had no choice but to make a reluctant call. I tried to talk sweetly. And he reciprocated. He seem to have forgotten all the arguments we had earlier on. But the agony and fear of him is still inside me. I tried to control my emotions, and talked to him nicely.

Went to school again for my lecture. We are supposed to meet yesterday but he did not wake up on time. I took a 1 and a half hour bus ride to his place. I got down at the wrong bus stop, 1 stop before where i was supposed to get down. I called his maid to adk her to wake him up. He was very suspicious when i talked to him. At the same time, he was very unhappy. He questioned why i took such a long time to reach his area. I had to use the name of god to swear with my parents' life to make him believe me. I still remembered that he complained about the long bus ride from his area to my school, and yet now, he suspected me of fooling around.

Then he questioned about why i kept going to school, and even demanded that i showed him my timetable. I am very disappointed with him and myself. Does our nearly 2 years r/nship mean nothing? Have we not build up our trust during this close to 2 years period? When i got to his place, he asked if i want to marry him. Why bother to question me if he doesn't even trust me the slightest bit? Is he being childish or am i being indecisive? I have doubts about why he wanted to marry me. Could it be... he just wanted me to bear him a child so as to carry on his surname? Or could it be... he was hoping that i can help him to succeed in life?

I've finally passed thru my 21st birthday, and also passed 2002. I made no resolution this year, and felt indifferent about the new year. My only consolation was that my suicide email pal, Jeanette is still alive after attempting suicide on Christmas Eve last year. She was very unfortunate to be discovered again. She went missing from the mail for a week plus before she replied. And now, she went missing again. I'd be lying if i say that i don't miss her. In fact, i shouldn't be blaming her for going missing again. Cos i always made her worried for replying late, and i wonder if this ever made her more depressed. I finally understand how she felt after she kept replying late to my mails. I have no idea if she is dead or alive. I feel very upset by this whole matter. Sighz~

Sent a mail to Jeannette yesterday. Hope she is able to come over, and we'll be able to commit suicide together.

My bf woke me up from my afternoon nap yesterday and insisted that i accompany him to the school. I told him he always inform me at the very last minute and he insisted that he did informed me a day b4. I seriously didn't hear! I woke up very reluctantly to prepare myself for the trip. He said that he has given me plenty of time to sleep and can't understand why i am still very sleepy. I can't understand one thing then... he has been sleeping for more than 12 hours everyday and why is he still so sleepy?! Well, he can sleep for long, but i can't right?! My reason is always the same, i feel weak, tired and sick. He will reprimand me for being sick! Why? I am not a superwoman ok.

On our way home, he asked for the date yesterday. I told him i don't know, which i really don't! And he scolded me again. Said i went to school everyday and yet didn't know the date. I told him i don't write dates when i go to school, and he said whenever he asked me anything, i just said i don't know! When did i ever say that? If i don't know something, i will definitely say i don't know. Isn't it obvious that he is finding problem with me? Fancy getting worked up just cos i don't know the date?!?!?!