I was in a foul mood today. Actually I was in a very foul mood everytime I am with him. I just dread being with him, and wish to leave his house fast! So I told him that we should go for dinner first before we watch VCDs. And I added that I always have to take my dinner later than usual whenever I am at his place. We usually take our dinner at 8~9pm. Sometimes even later!

 

He was so unhappy by my remark and said that I was actually the one who told him that I have no appetite all the time, and that’s why we have been eating late all the time at his place! Oh please… am I losing my memory or is he losing his memory? I can’t say I blame him for saying that, cos I seriously can’t remember if I ever said that! Ok never mind, take it as my fault! But I do remember telling him I was hungry at around 6~7+pm, and he just refused to go for dinner. He just told me to wait, and yes, I waited all the way till 8+pm.

 

What about the times when he had appointments late at night? I can’t understand why he has to fix all his appointments at those times. And I ended up taking dinner at 10+pm. I always complain about my hunger. Sometimes he will buy me finger food so that I can consume in his car. Sometimes I go without dinner until 10pm because he was in a rush! And I also can’t comprehend by he always has to leave his place at the very last minute, and ended up being late for at least 50% of his appointments!

 

And to think that he has the guts to scold me in front of his maid! His maid cannot understand Chinese, which is very obvious! So when he was scolding me, he used half Chinese and half English! I am not sure if he has the intention of revealing all the things that he had wanted his maid to know by speaking in English. But I am sure I had enough of humiliation. He scolded me in front of his maid once. And until today, I feel very inferior when I see his maid. I don’t know why. I just feel that way.

 

I couldn’t control my tears cos he has gone too far. I cried. He asked me not to use my tears to gain sympathy. And he continued reprimanding me. Ha! And when he cooled down, he just came over and hug me. Is it necessary? He has already humiliate me in front of a maid, and has vent all his unhappiness on me… and then when he is happy and satisified, he hugged me. Am I his lover or his toy?

Jeanette has replied my email. And she agreed to come over. We have set a date for us to act. But the date is not confirmed. I am very excited! I was really delighted to find a companion. However, i am still pondering over hanging or jumping. I remembered Jean told me that hanging is like 'dancing in the air', and she felt excited more than frightened. I want to jump cos i believe that there is a higher chance of dying. But i don't really like the attention i'll be getting from any passer-bys, onlookers, or simply busy bodies.

I went online to look up on these 2 methods, and found that hanging can be quite painful. It will take approximately 7 minutes to die. While jumping will take around 5 minutes. Does that mean that i have to endure the pain for 5 minutes? I'm afraid that it'll be unbearable. Was just wondering if jumping or hanging will cause black out. It will be a painless death that way. I hope so...

My bf and I have been quarrelling for so many days. I am very tired. I can't concentrate on anything i do. Because i feel something heavy weighing down my heart. I feel so painful emotionally, and tired physically. I really don't wish to suicide and i really do not want to die. But i can never leave him! I do not want my whole entire life to be stuck with him, me my whole course of directions to be controlled by him! I am very sick and tired of everything now. I wish to end it soon. I don't know where i will go during the aftermath. Obviously, i hope that the outcome will be a favourable one. But i have doubts after reading up so much on retribution, reincarnation and punishments of one's soul.

I had set a date with Jeanette to jump. But she hasn't replied my mail. She did tell me that if she has done it at her homeland, she'll be unable to meet me. It has been a week since i last received her mail. I'm wondering if she's still around.

Had a discussion with bf and i told him that i am not going to marry him, hoping that he will free me of my trauma in this relationship. But he said that as long as he still loves me, we have to be together. And also added that we will wait for a few more years before deciding on whether we should break off. I think i shouldn't waste my youth with a guy like him. Yes, i have never thought that i will find another guy after him cos i am sick of relationships. But i do not want to waste the few years of my life to be controlled by him. And in the end what? Both of us go our separate ways. Issit necessary for me to do this? Everything is not to my advantage and i really wish to break off. But he didn't want to let me off.

I proposed to him that he should give me my freedom if i ever marry him. The least i asked for is 'freedom'. Freedom to visit my parents as and when i want to, freedom to choose the job i like, freedom to go for high tea with friends, freedom to go shopping when he is busy working, etc. I doubt i am asking for too much. My definition of 'freedom' doesn't includes the freedom to know guys or be with guys. So it doesn't hold any indication that i will be infaithful to him, and i will not, because i am not the unfaithful kind of girls. i respect myself, and i have my dignity and pride as a girl, and my own set of principal. However, he wanted to be calculative with me and insisted that i sign an agreement with him right before marriage. That is, if we are to ever divorce, i will not get a single cent of his assets--- the assets which he has got for himself, and fight by himself. I will only get those assets which both of us have achieved together. Well, actually there is nothing wrong with this. But i just can't believe that he is having such a thought in his mind. Am i not his wife afterall? I can't see any reason why i should sign such a contract with him if i ever want to be his wife. And he even told me that he does not think that i marry him for his money. But he just want his assets to go to the rightful person bearing his family's surname. If a relationship and a marriage has to be ever so calculative, i really can't imagine what more he will ask from me after marriage.

I had a dream 2 nights ago. I dreamt of a female master and a monk. The female master approached me first and told me that i shouldn't marry my bf and my life will be EXTREMELY miserable after marriage. Well, i can remember the emphasis on 'Extremely miserable' very clearly. As to what the monk told me, i really can't remember. I only remember vaguely that he just told me that my marriage will not go on smoothly. A fortune teller ever told me the same thing too. But someone predicted that i will get married and my family will be above average in income, and we will have a maid. Perhaps I should take it as just a prediction, for i really have no thoughts abt getting married into his family. Neither do i want people to think that i get into their family, and i am consuming everything by using their assets. I wish to live for myself, and support myself. I do not wish to depend on anyone.

My mock exam will begin on Wednesday, and I have not finished studying. I was supposed to study a whole cunk of notes yesterday but we ended up quarrelling over a very minor thing.

I bought a pack of porridge home n intended to eat directly from the plastic food container which the porridge was in. However, he insisted that i should pour it into a bowl. And his attitude and tone wasn't very good. He was speaking in a very irritated tone. The reason he gave initially was that he can't stir the porridge properly from the small food container. Thinking that i am able to stir the porridge, i really see no sense in using a bowl. Furthermore, i have been using a food container to consume my porridge all the while.

When he saw that i was still using a food container, he scolded me for being stubborn and was rather irritated with me. I was more irritated with him for getting unhappy over such a minor thing. And he even hasthe control the simplest of all thing. It's just eating from a bowl or container! I can't believe that a guy like him will be so naggy like a menopause woman! I told him off and we started quarrelling. He even said that i did nothing but went to the living room to eat while he has to pour the beancurd nicely into a bowl. If i hadn't done anything for him, i wouldn't scald my hand when i was trying to help u pour the porridge into the bowl!

We shouted at each other very loudl and i think all his neighbours heard us. Throughout the whole day, we kept quarrelling, in our mind we know what is the start of our quarrels ---- the stoopid porridge incident.

We nearly broke off at night and i was sooooo happy when he told me that he will break off but will die! I am not happy that he will die. In fact i am sad and scared. But i am very happy when i got to know that he is willing to break off with me! However that bastard started with all the crapz again. He questioned me about the guy at the bus stop, question me abt why there is a guy at my place, about why a guy will use my phone to call him, etc. I think the whole matter is insane! I've never assosiate myself with any guys after i am his gf. And i've never been unfaithful! Who is the guy and where is the guy? I know not! only he knows the best since he always mentioned that there is such a guy! Then we argued so much over this matter and he has decided not to break off! He is a bastard and full of crapz!

He asked me to forget everything and we will start our relationship all over again. Is that neccessary. He gave me a very absurd idea. He told me that we shall bury the hachet n forget all the past. But i told him we have unsolved problems! How abt all the 'guys' he kept toking abt? He said we will forget everything, put them aside. AFter several pleadings from him, i finally agreed at nearly 3am. Though in my mind, i really have doubts on what we can 'put aside' and what is 'start all over again'. There is no such things! We have already reach this extent, and we can't just turn our back on our problems and say " Yeah, we have no problems now".

In addition, this guy also told me that herealised that he has faults in the porridge incident. Obviously he has his faultS! What took him so long to realise this? I thought he always say that he knew everything, he is very intelligent and all that?! He has to realise this only when i quarrelled with him for one whole day?!

Forget abt this fucker. Jeanette has replied me. Her parents kept her passport and she wasn't able to meet me. We will try to meet up again if possible. I am still waiting for her to come over.

Currently Playing: Enya ~ Adiemus Newboyz ~ Meraung

I have many thoughts in my mind, but i can't seem to piece all of them into words. And this actually makes me feel very frustrated with myself.

Before Betty passed away, she was already crying in pain. When i found her stiff and cold body on 10 march, 7am, her eyes were so tightly shut, with so much tears forming around them. I feel sad at the sight. How much pain has she gone through before she died? No one knows but only she, herself. I wish i could share her sufferings and pain with her. I wish i could give another few years of my life to her. I wish for her to stay a while longer... I miss her fat, chubby, cheeky and playful self. I miss her so dearly! Her death reminded me of the fact that all my sufferings are nothing when compared to hers. I believe that the time before her death is the most torturous throughout her entire life. She fought so hard to stay alive, while on the contrary, her mistress fought so hard to die. I really wouldn't mind if i can die on her behalf. I feel so lost n sad when i woke up this morning. I feel that everything and everyone will be leaving me slowly. My granny left me last year, followed by 3 of my hamsters. I am not too sure who will be next, and yes i'm so afraid to be alone.

Although no one actually help me when i am in need, but at least they gave me companionship. I think i've lost myself again. I can't identify what kind of person i am, i do not know what is my goal in life, and i do not understand why i am here, alive on earth. Shouldn't my soul be destroyed and shouldn't i be vanished? WHy am i here, and who am i supposed to be? I thought abt this, and cried last night. I cried till i fell asleep. Nothing is really worth living for in life. Nothing is worth my attention, there is just nothing left. I am so confused even about the people around me.

My bf told me that my mother called him to discuss abt me. But she never told me this. Who is lying to me, and who is telling me the truth? I feel that my bf is purposely scheming on me, telling me that he will give me back the freedom i want, but on conditions. Everyone is so secretive... who should i trust? Why am i holding back my life? Why do i want to stay alive so much? Is it because of fear? Or issit because i can't bear to leave my loved ones behind? Is this the way hoe they should all be treating me? Hurting me discreetly, destroying me silently? I feel so exhausted at the thought abt it. I feel so fearful and so scared about the supernatural beings around us. But i can't tell anyone. Cos they did nothing about it. Or they just forgot abt what happened! Am i the only one who can remember all the facts? What happened to all their memories? Or i am going crazy, am i thinking abt nonsense myself? I prayed to the god to help me. But no one listens. I prayed to the god to freed me, to let me die but no one allows that to happen. Then what should i do? Was it something i did in my previous life to deserve all these?

It's another month. I had been trying to stay happy and trying to get myself out of the suicidal thoughts. But my life falls back again. So many things has happened, so many unhappiness, so many quarrels and so many backstabbing around. I know 'this is life' or rather, 'Life is full of ups and downs'. But i have been  thru so many setbacks in the past and none has been so unbearable!

I have been quarrelling practically everyday and every few hours! And everytime we did quarrel, it always last for at least an hour! I really wonder if i'll ever die of heart attack. Well perhaps i should be glad that i die that way since it's considered as a normal death. At least, i didn't break the law by killing myself for any intention.

I know what i am going to type here seems absurd to people who has never had any encounters with the supernaturals. To me, it's already parts and parcels of my life. He told me last night that he could attract evil spirits because he saw a very big spider web in his toilet. Half an hour before he went in, he saw nothing. So how could a spider build up a big big web this fast? He told me that there has been an increase in the number of dead insects in his house and that something pressed on him a few nights ago. I already know his house is haunted cos i experienced something really bad a year ago. And even till today, i can sense that his house is 'not so right' at night. He told me to help him, to give him lesser problems. Because they always get near him when he is in a bad mood, or that his luck is down. Ha... help him? I think he should be the one to help himself. He can control his anger all he wants... and he told me to help his family too. For goodness sake, his family members have never treat me well, and what makes him think that i should help them anyway? Fat Hope!

I am still waiting for Jeanette to come over. We had so many plans about what to do but she never tell me exactly when she can come here. Patience is wearing me out but i really need her to be here to give me courage and guts! We are supposed to chat a few nights ago, so that we can get everything settled fast. But that idiot was hanging onto the phone like mad! Yes, i call that mad, cos he hung on the phone for practically the whole afternoon and the entire night, even when i was sleeping. 

Anyway, i am feeling really, extremely, utterly n ultra down today! I don't feel like doing anything nor am i in the mood to type much, to update on anything. I feel so sick of everything. But i promise that i will hurt those who hurt me.  

I read Chandra's guestbook. Here r my replies. 

1)This is my website, and i believe i have the right to type anything i want. This is my diary, as well as a site where my parents will be able to trace out what has happened for these few years after i am gone. 

2) I did this website NOT out to gain sympathy. I doubt anyone has sympathise me, and i need no sympathy. I just need to voice out all my frustrations and all my thoughts. If u r really so unhappy with what i am doing, u can stop reading and stop coming in.

Lastly, thanks Starla for speaking up for me.